Wow! My stein runneth over! Thanks for the feedback, it is all tremendously appreciated. Unfortunately I didn't even get to wrap everything up yesterday. I got involved with my paper and stuff. Anyhoo..
I'm not a close-minded person, nor religiously guilt-ridden and moralistic, nor judgemental, or anything like that. But the "poly" lifestyle/perspective is definitely new to me and difficult to digest. And communication recently becoming so difficult with her isn't fucking helping matters. Nope, not at all. Unfortunately I responded to her news with proabably the worst possible statement: "I don't share!"
Ooh shit, that didn't go over well. But it was a thought that wasn't stated properly. I was confused and flew off the handle, and it was difficult to explain. Instant-message conversations are difficult to have sometimes.
First off, I immediately concluded that she came to this realization because she still had feelings for her ex (?). But it is quite possible I'm wrong about that. She indicated to me that more than anything she sees this more as a newly discovered dimension in her capability of loving someone. Or should I say more than one someone. I'm actually not 100% sure if there even IS another. But above all else, it is foolish and arrogant on my part to just try to guess at where her epiphany actually came from. What matters is that it matters to her. But I don't know where to go from here.
I absolutely DO NOT love her any less, nor have I lost any respect for her or anything like that. My hopes for the future have not been dimmed or abandoned. But, what about the possible "marriage" thing we occasionally fancied on and on about? To me marriage still very much represents a two-person equasion. I'm not saying "poly" is wrong. I'm just saying that I have yet to emotionally AND intellectually digest it properly. I don't understand. And how can I? Specifically, with her, I mean. How can I understand what she is truly thinking when we haven't even really spoken more than one or two sentences to eachother in emails since Sunday? She sent me an email about how she felt Sunday night, and she suggested I come here simply to read and learn, but I felt it was neccessary to actually join and communicate with people. I fucking want to find a way to work this out. But how? I'm so sorry, but I just don't think...
There are so many "but"s and "what if"s floating around in my head...I don't know if this all fits with the way I look at life. I don't want to say it's impossible to be in love with more than one person, because it isn't. But I don't know if I want...
I can't even complete a proper sentence. Not because I'm holding back, but because I'm literally so mixed up about it that I can't form complete thoughts.
I sincerely hope my ignorance and confusion isn't offending anyone. This is something I didn't expect. And now that I face this sudden difficulty getting in touch with her, it just makes it all seem even more difficult to work out.
Yes guys, I know I need to talk to her ex and yes I know I need to ask certain questions that I haven't asked yet. Yes I know we need to meet before anything truly solid can be decided. But where will that all go if she has deep and active feelings for someone else and I can't (or won't) handle it. It's too early to tell if that is going to happen or not, but...
Whatever...right now I just wish I could talk to her, but she just isn't making herself available...I should be saying this stuff (and a whole lot more) actually to HER..but that isn't happening...so where to go from here?
I don't mean to be so dramatic.
I'm just an ignorant alpha-male, I guess lol.
"I don't share."
What a fucking asshole.
**I will post some specific responses to your posts, but not in this particular post.