My husband recently asked for an open marriage after admitting he had a mistress. I am working on forgiving him, and have agreed to working towards a poly relationship with his secondary.
I hurt deeply....I manage to push it away and forget about it, but it come back strong periodically throughout the day. I feel like I am in mourning.....like I am slowly healing from a great loss.
I want my monogamy back...but I like her and I don't want her out of MY life completely....this is so weird. This is how I feel genuinely on my own about my husband's secondary. She is very loving to me, very caring, very giving.
I tell my husband about my pain, I cry to him from time to time....he asks me what is it that hurts me? What is it that I cannot do?
But with the boundaries set the way they are I CAN do this.....the agreement is that our poly will ALWAYS and ONLY include her WITH me and him. That if she is to be with him sexually or otherwise....I need to be involved and present as well and comfortable. I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this.....we have had sex together the 3 of us (I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that)...we three have been on dates, and she has spent the night at our house....
I get jealous at times when they show affection to each other, but at other times it doesn't bother me at all....
When she is around me I feel good, and I feel loving and companionship and happiness and a strong connection with her. But when she is away I dread her return
We have argued twice regarding our feelings, etc. But we have managed to re-connect despite it.
If I can grow and heal, I can see the benefits and happiness in it. Sometimes (when I think of her) I just want to hug her, and greet her with a kiss (not like a girlfriend, but like a sister).....but there is a part of me that gets so mad and hurt by her presence.
I feel love for her in her absence, but in her presence I feel hate (sometimes)...
If this is all true then why do I hurt???
Has anyone went through this, or have a partner go through this???
Is this normal growing pains, or red flags that I can't do this at all???
Does it sound like I CAN do this and I just need time to adjust???? Or should I run for the hills???