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Old 03-04-2011, 02:46 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,438

Originally Posted by Ragabash View Post
Don't push your mono partner to find another relationship
Don't try to be poly if you aren't. Especially if you talked so much about how mono you are, it will be very confusing for your partner when you start talking about someone else you like. But more importantly, they will then assume that you are poly, and therefore will treat you as a poly and not as a mono.

I am going to be honest here: this advice makes me think Raga is actually mono. Prior to it, I had no clue. He talked about someone he liked before I even met my boyfriend, tried to court her, I helped him, I saw how crushed he was when it didn't work out (up to the point of commenting that he had "zero luck in love" which was the most insulting thing ever said to me by a partner), etc. Had I known he was actually mono, I would have dealt with things in a different way: a mono and a poly partner just have different needs.
So be honest with yourself and with other people.
I would also add... If you do pursue a second relationship and are rejected, or if it fails, don't assume that means you're actually mono.

See, that's the problem here. Now I'm not sure if Raga is poly and went back to claiming he's mono because things didn't work out, or if he's mono and pretended to be poly for over a year. I am not trying to blame or accuse him here, because either way, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. But I see it as a good lesson to learn: be very in touch with your own feelings, be honest with yourself and with your partner. Do not try to change yourself for someone, be true to yourself, or you will get hurt, and people you love might get hurt too. I feel that's definitely an important lesson here.

Originally Posted by Ragabash View Post
Don't cut off your partner
If your partner isn't having sex with you as much as you'd like, don't assume it's a sex bonanza with their other partner(s). They might have much less sex with them than with you, comparatively (only compare the new relationship to your relationship when it was at the same stage, otherwise, it's apples and oranges).
And if your partner never had much sex with you, don't expect for it to suddenly change when they have another partner. Why would it? You're still the same person.
Ultimately, we're back to "don't expect the new relationship to solve problems in your old one". Similarly, don't blame problems that already existed before on the new relationship, either.
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