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Old 03-04-2011, 12:26 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,434

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian View Post
Does the angle I'm coming from make any sense? Do you understand why I might have asked the question that started this thread? I have to learn to be okay with something that I am fundamentally not okay with.
I do understand that, but I wanted to make you see that for polys too, it can mean learning to be okay with something we're not fundamentally okay with (having someone depend on you that much). For me, it IS a compromise already. Your partner doesn't work the way you wish they did. You don't work the way your partner wishes you do. You both try to make it work.

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian View Post
Maybe I'm really poly and I'm just in denial...
[...]Anyway, I guess the point is that I'm afraid that if I try being poly, I will fail and end up hurting everyone involved, because I'm bad at relationships.
[...]So really, this whole thread started with an expression of my inner angst and fear relating to my uncertainty and insecurity. Maybe this self-description helps it make some sense?
This part of your post is interesting to me. Could it be that you're annoyed that she "gets to have her cake" and you don't? It seems to me mono people don't generally have to fight so hard to be mono, that's how they are. They might be attracted to other people, but won't fall in love or desire a relationship with them.
If you reject other relationships not because you're not interested in them, but because you're afraid to fail, maybe mono is just your crutch. You don't date other people "because you value your current relationship more". You turn your feelings of inadequacy ("I wouldn't be able to make it in another relationship!") into something positive, noble, the "right" thing to do, the responsible thing to do.
It's possible. This way, you don't have to admit you're afraid of trying again.

A relationship causes you to make yourself vulnerable to someone. There is always the chance they will take advantage of that. Or reject you with no malice and yet hurt you. Or you will hurt them.
Your relationship is established. It feels safe. The idea of having to go through the beginning stages again might scare you too much.
And let's face it, the more people you make yourself vulnerable to, the higher chance you have of being hurt by one of them. However, a lot of people feel it's worth the risk.

Some people are mono, there is no doubt about it. But perhaps you aren't. Perhaps you just enjoy the stability and safety of being in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Perhaps you resent her for being able to do something you don't feel able to do yourself.

I have no way to know if that's the case. Only you can know that. But I guess you can ask yourself the question. Be open to both answers, you might be mono, you might be a closeted poly who is afraid to open that door.

Here, I replied as I went and it might seem a bit out of order, but I guess these are my thoughts on the issue. I hope I can help you understand where I'm coming from, and maybe you will be able to understand your partner and/or yourself better, too.
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