Dinged, it seems you (or your wife perhaps) are very focused on the labels or titles that each person in a poly relationship has, but in reality that's not important. I would venture to guess that this focus is a convenient distraction that enables you to avoid examining deeper issues in your relationship. What's really important is the communication and quality of relating. Are you able to ask for your needs to be met? Does your partner, no matter what "status," strive to treat you respectfully and with love, caring, and kindness? Do each of you take care of yourselves while also looking out for the other? Are you really trying to be partners in support of each other or just angling for the best defensive maneuver against each other?
I've been reading your threads and from what I recall, there is a lot of unresolved anger, hurt, and confusion between the two of you. I would gently suggest you start healing all of those painful feelings in some way (therapy?) before assigning roles and trying to put your relationship into some regimented category that you think should be the right way to do polyamory. I wish you well. Have you thought about asking your wife to also come here, read your posts, and contribute her side of the story?
Edit: Okay, I saw another recent post of yours on one of your other threads and it looks like you're trying to address important, emotional issues by planning a discussion with your wife. Having so many threads on a similar vein can get a little confusing and hard to keep up with. Maybe ask to have some of them merged? Just a suggestion. Anyway, yeah, I think the labels and status stuff is just not necessary to focus on. I hope your talk with your wife this weekend goes well, but if she craps out on talking with you again, that is another red flag.
Last edited by nycindie; 03-03-2011 at 11:37 PM.