New to board, not to poly... and need help
I have been in a poly relationship for the last 5 and half years. It has gone through many different transitions and now in the middle of another; but feeling much more unmanageable than in the past.
Current situation: I am in a V poly relationship with my wife of 12 years (together for 17) and my lover of 5.5 years. My lover has been dating and has decided she wants a primary.
History: We were a quad, two couples, but the other couple divorced. He chose to leave the relationship and the three of us continued. We were a triad for about a year, but that was not working and transitioned to a V with many bumps along the way. My girlfriend has always been clear since her divorce that she wants a primary and both my wife and I have been supportive of her doing that.
Problem: She has been dating over the last year and getting more and more serious. She recently has started dating a man (whom I have never met) and has been becoming intimate with him over the last two months. She has shared she believes she is falling in love with him. Unfortunately, she has chosen not to tell him about us, or her relationships she has currently. I have stated I disagreed with this, but felt it was her decision to do so or not to do so; but never believed she would go so long without telling him. At this point, all relationships are being severely strained and I am very uncomfortable continuing to be open, share, sexual, and intimate with her as I feel she is holding out to see which one works better (this could be simply my fear and jealousy speaking). I am very uncomfortable with spending time with her in an intimate fashion and her telling her new love that she is "with friends" or "has work to do."
My thought solution: I do not feel comfortable giving the "tell him or else" ultimatum as that seems like a power play. On the other hand, I do not feel comfortable continuing our relationship in an intimate fashion if she is building a monogamous relationship by withholding information. We have had this conversation (and awful fights) and she feels like I am trying to control her and I feel like I am asking for a decision from her to either commit to this relationship or to tell me she is no longer poly (or interested in this poly relationship) so she can explore her new relationship.
At this point I am thinking of giving it to the end of the week and if she has not come to something to cutting off all communication with her (as I at this point, hopefully with a little time this could be different) can not be just friends and do not want to be. I will need time to mourn the loss of someone I love deeply. She meets with her therapist tomorrow and asked to have some time to decide (she has been saying this for over three weeks now) so I figure till the end of the week for her to address it is reasonable.
My problem is that in the meantime she is acting like nothing is wrong, asking me out, wanting to have sex and go out and do all the things we normally do (and plan for things in the months to come) and I feel like a sham going along with it.
In the end, I believe she is struggling with whether she is poly or not (she has told me this and this is what I have feared over the last month). Whether she will have her needs met better in a monogamous relationship. I understand that, but I can't ride this yo-yo any longer while she decides. Am I unfair to ask her to commit or move on?
It affects so many peoples lives and I do not feel its fair for me to make the decision alone, but I don't feel like others are making a decision but just waiting it out to see what happens.
Sorry for the length; but I am at a complete loss.
Last edited by justin; 09-14-2009 at 10:34 PM.