It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other...or none.
Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic.
Write it all down on paper. Two columns: One for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.
One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice...BUT...relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?
You are in the classic Hollywood situation; two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary is a classic Cowboy...not a negative thing..just an observation.
Good luck my friend