View Single Post
Old 03-03-2011, 06:33 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,718

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied View Post
When you're looking for other people to "date" or "form relationships with," do you feel that there's a difference between being with other

In any case, I felt that since she was new to the poly world and already felt like the "other woman" (which, in all honesty - she was - however, as we all know...the "other woman" is an accepted title in this lifestyle...) it was going to cause problems later as she got more attached... and that the fact she didn't have her own primary relationship was going to cause us problems in the end as she fell harder for my husband.
It seems you are asking two things here... what we feel most comfortable in and what do we think might happen with this woman?

Hope I got that right.

I don't search for situations so much as for someone that suits me as a person.

I am not a good secondary. I don't subscribe to the hierarchy well after 13 years of poly. It is a struggle to me to be told that I am to fall behind someone's wife. I have a husband, a mono boyfriend and a married girlfriend. Also another married boyfriends... the first two work out great for me. I am their only attention. My husband is not dating someone right now, so I don't have to deal... and this is perfect for me... if I did have to engage a metamour on my husbands side I would.

My married girlfriend has a husband and two kids. Her husband is very respectful of our time and space and has never treated me like I should know my place. If he did I think he knows I would put up a fight I don't think its in his nature though...

My other boyfriend situation is entirely different and something I need to process with him more. He treats me like a secondary and she does too. He has kids and a job that require his time, and I get that. I think his wife gets the shaft though and I can understand why he would insist that I am secondary to her... the thing is that I require a certain amount of attention and I have laid it out for him what that means... he has said he is unable to give me what I need and we have begun negotiating what he CAN give. Cause at some point I lose interest.

What I require to be with someone is simple. Communication regularly; prompt communication if something major comes up; dates that come in a timely fashion... for him and I, once a month. I expect him to respect and care about my other loves and friends and what goes on in their lives... this requires listening to me talk about my life. To treat me with respect at all times and to consider my needs and feelings on matters that concern me. That's it. To me that is the basics. To me that is what anyone with a primary would do... why should it be different for a secondary. What he struggles with is the considering my needs and feelings part and the communicating regularly part. The first he doesn't think he should concern himself with too much and the second he just sucks at with everyone in his life. As I said, work in progress.

Might I suggest doing a tag search on "secondary" there are some really good threads that might help put things in perspective.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 03-03-2011 at 07:39 AM.
Reply With Quote