Torn between my heart and my mind
Hello all! I am new to Polyamory and am so so confused. Prior to the relationship I am currently in I was in a decade long monogamous relationship. It was a marriage of convenience that grew into love but from my end I never experienced real love with him. As my marriage was absolving I reconnected with an old friend and it was an instant connection. I knew he was the man I wanted and needed. He became my best friend and i knew i always wanted him in my life. The problem was he was married. He explained that he loved his wife but he had always had a desire to have another woman and had acted on it previously, though not in a long time. He also told me that his love for me was pure and our connection was stronger than the connection he currently and previously had with his wife.
I told him I would never ask him to leave her but as our relationship grew I didn't feel right with her not knowing and pushed him for months to tell her about us. Once he told her about me the relationship I had with him did a 180. He told me he wasn't leaving her but wanted to continue his relationship with me on the sly. I couldn't go on sneaking so I offered for her to meet me and for us to continue our relationship in an open way.
At first though she was hurt she tried to share him in an open way, but now we can't even be in the same room without her there. She has had an opportunity to get to know me and though at times we have really connected, she has expressed her hatred for me. She has completely restricted our relationship to a friends only status and refuses to allow him to see me unless she is supervising. She has told me its ok for us to be sexually connected but not emotionally.
The problem is he and I have a deep connection, and though I know she can't break that, I feel guilty for staying. I cry daily because my heart is heavy with yearning. He is my missing piece and monogamy is a sacrifice I am willing to make to complete my puzzle. I have tried dating other men and realize that it's pointless because he holds my heart in his hands. Her disdain for me hurts because I would like to be friends with her. However, lately I feel so much bitterness for her because she is taking away something that was beautiful and loving and replacing it with anger, jealousy, and negativity.
He tells me I should just be patient, that he will never leave me but her actions say otherwise tell me that it's pointless and I hate to see both of us women in so much pain. Should I stay, hoping things will improve? My children have also grown to love him and would be crushed to have him removed from our lives. I'm so torn...