Originally Posted by redpepper
Thanks for responding Rita's husband... would you please get yourself an account? It just makes it far less complicated when responding and talking to people on here... much appreciated
What stuck out for me was the spontaneity stuff too. I think that working on your core relationship and getting a good foundation would benefit. It sounds like Rita is missing some fun in her relationship life and that would lead to jealousy... not an uncommon thing... that is what usually comes up as much as not having the same amount of time as before...
So, why not plan some fun stuff for the summer together... and Rita's husband; why not surprise her with some fun dates...
When the fall comes, if you have got some good times under your belt and feel bonded and connected again... and know what is important to you about each other, maybe you can talk about it again. Take a sabbatical from poly so to speak.
I also suggest that you both add in there doing some reading together... on here, other sites. There is a lot to know... a foundation is so important... if you do a tag search for "lessons" or "foundations" you will find some good threads on this stuff.
Hi Redpepper. I did actually set up my own account. Mine's RobFire, hers is RitaFire.
And the spontaneity thing is actually an interesting topic. For the many, many years we've been married, we had done some spontaneous stuff. As time went on, I noticed a trend where I would suggest off-the-cuff ideas to go out or get away, and an increasing hesitation on her part to do those things.
One of the *positive* things to come out of our brief foray into polyamory was that it brought her desire to once again do these types of things to the surface. Since then we have done several zero planning road trips, including one to Chicago (we live in Michigan) where we went out to an industrial club, stayed at a hotel, then drove back the next day, and another trip down south that lasted a few days.
I agree that we should definitely NOT entertain outside relationships until we are once again on very firm footing.
I would go so far as to say that if my wife were to suddenly beg and plead to try again, that I would not allow us to try it at this time. I would need a lot of time and convincing to go there again.
What I am more interested in is for her to learn more about it. Clearly things went south quickly last time we tried. I am a big believer in finding reason for things that go wrong, so that a deeper understanding between the both of us can grow and bring a richer connection to us.
There are three things I feel are critical to any relationship: Trust, Communication and Commitment.
As far as trust, we have that in spades. Outside of surprise gifts, we don't hide things from each other. Even when they are ugly, possibly hurtful or hard to cope with. I would be dishonest to her if I were to claim that I was happy with the way things worked out with poly.
As for communication, that's what I am trying to keep alive about this subject. I do not like things to fester unresolved or not discussed. I do not need immediate results, but I do need to see some effort made.
And as for commitment, I have committed to keep us away from things that can harm our relationship, and to give all I can to grow our bond. What I am asking from Rita is the same thing, a commitment to work through the issues that arose during our poly foray so that we can eventually grow from them. Just like we grew by learning how she did crave the type of spontaneous activities that I had belied she did not care for.
Above all, I would NEVER jeopardize our 12 year relationship over something I thought could tear us apart.