Originally Posted by Idlovetwo
Can one force oneself to be a person one is not? Maybe it can be done, but it will make you unhappy, for sure. And other people around you would be unhappy too.
sometimes I really feel like I could "force myself to be mono" because I don't want him go through all this pain, and because I don't want to lose him. But then I would be just pretending, and I don't think that living a lie is any solution.
I think you answered your own question here. Yes, you can force yourself to do all kinds of things, but is it what will make yourself be healthy? That is the question. I force myself to go to my job every day because I am a night person and I would rather stay up late and get up late... but my job starts at 8.30am... so I get up. It's healthy for me to do that because I need the job in order to do things in life... I go running to be healthy, but I hate it... and love it at the same time. I visit my ex wife's parents when she is in town. I am not big on that, but it makes her happy and them happy and it shows good faith that I am family to here and she to me. Our divorce was the healthiest for us because she wanted to travel and I wanted to buy a house.
There are all kinds of things we do that we don't like that are not "us" but we do anyway. The question with poly is; will this activity or this person (possible person) be the best choice for all and can I put up with it for the sake of others? Will this make me feel depressed, anxious, angry, resentful and eventually create illness and dispersement of my friends and family because I am not healthy? or can I be fine with letting it go for the betterment and closeness that will grow for others?
I have had to make a hard choice this past month. I chose to not continue a relationship into the natural course of action for me and the other. I choice not to start something sexual with him (no touching, no kissing, no closeness, etc). I did this because the result would be too much of a detriment to too many people. I would of happily tried the sex thing on for size to see how it would be, but didn't. I discovered that I really have enough at the moment and that the partners I have are far more precious to me in terms of their comfort level with me being with this man. He was also not necessarily a good choice for me right now. In essence, my comfort level with dropping this relationships path was stronger than the upheaval of pursuing it. (see my blog from last month)
Now if PN had asked me to hold off or not see Mono that would be a different story all together. That path would of lead to divorce, joint custody and heart ache with eventual balance and friendship. I would of been more healthy with it that way. I would not of been able to let the possibility of Mono and I being together go. I would make a choice that would be for the betterment of all. It really would of been better for me and PN to split up our marriage and work out a different way so that Mono and I could be together... people get divorced and remarried or have long term partners all the time right? I prefer what I have now, but it could of been done that way had I been faced with a mono husband with a problem with me being with Mono.
(sorry this is rather scattered. hope I am making sense.