My Fourth Poly Relationship
In Seattle I began to openly identify as bi-poly-kinky. I even started going to Center for Sex Positive Culture events and rapidly found myself with a poly primary with whom I moved in with shortly after. At this time I had a job that kept me traveling to different cities throughout the world 4 days a week on average, all while still going to Sweden to see my son for a week every month. My primary felt insecure because I was traveling all of the time and she wanted all of my home time to be with her.
Ultimately we wound up negotiating that I would only have relationships outside of Seattle, and she would not bring anyone into our home. This was not really optimal for me because I was not regularly in the same cities and therefore unable to cultivate anything more than a casual relationship, but it kept her happy and I was willing to meet her half way.
Not quite a year of this and things are seeming ok, until one day I get some strange charges on my credit card. The police catch the guy with the card. I find out his name and it turns out that he is one of her lovers. She confesses that she had been bringing him and others into our home while I was away and we agree to end the relationship and she moved out.
The Lesson: Negotiating around someones insecurity may not always work. Negotiating away what you want in order to help another's insecurities is not always the best approach.
I spend the next two years dating many monogamous women and bi/gay men and being dumped by them within 3 months of the relationship because I would not change to suit their monogamy and they would not accept that I am non-monogamous. There was plenty of great sex, some of them remain awesome friends, but in general, it was not exactly the best of times. During this period I was traveling to Sweden on a monthly basis to spend time with my son.
My fifth poly relationship
On a lark I posted a "Bi-poly-kinky-Male for Bi-poly-kinky Female Unicorn" ad on Craigslist. A week later meet the woman of my dreams. We quickly fall in love and everything was full of awesome.
There were rough patches, and plenty of communication and jealousy-abandonment issues but we were working on them, and living the love-sex lives of our dreams, dating as a couple or as individuals; we dated couples, singles, and we even had amazing experiences with a mff triad that had been together for 15 years. They were a real inspiration and roll models to us in our poly-experience and expectations.
For most of our relationship I also had a fairly steady boyfriend that I would sometimes share with her.
One day almost a year into the relationship, A swedish speaking guy calls me and tells me that he will be raising my son as his and that I should stop coming to Sweden because his mother and he are together and I am no longer needed.
I immediately freaked out and in very short order sold or gave away all of my possessions. My 5th and I talked about the situation and decided go our separate ways. Just over 2 months later I move to Sweden to ensure that my son has me in his life and begin another chapter in my life.
Nearly a year later My 5th poly lover move moves back to her home town in Danmark some 800 Km away from where I currently live. We have visited since. She will always have a place in my life, my heart, home, and bed.
The Lesson: Great relationships may change over time, burn no bridges because no matter how bleak the outcome or situation this person may be in your life again, even on the other side of the world.
Fast forward two more years of dating monogamous women, and men, going to local poly meetings and participating in many poly/sex-positive lists, websites, and talking with new and old poly friends, and attempting to gain a foothold in a society that I have a passable fluency in the language in a culture that is not nearly as poly-accepting as Seattle is. There are no poly dating sites in Sweden besides the usual okcupid, pmm and unfortunately there are few Swedes on those sites.
My 6th and 7th Poly Lovers
In the same week I met two incredibly wonderful women on vanilla, monogamous dating sites. One lives a few km from me, the other 400km.
Before the first date I went through the usual speech I give about how I do commitment differently than what they are probably accustom to, about how love is not finite and that it is possible to love and commit to more than one person. That love is acceptance, not change. Both of them thought that it was a beautiful idea, and that they were still interested in meeting and seeing where it goes. ...and well obviously it goes.
We ultimately agreed on a V configuration, both women have no real interests in bi-sexuality, but both have said that they think that I offer them a sort of maturity in a relationship that they feel safe and comfortable knowing that I may be having sex with others, but that they are the priority, and that I will be safe, sane, and consensual with them.
We are still new with one another, the NRE has not yet faded, but I am hopeful, positive and looking forward to growing the relationship we have. They are both amazing, beautiful and come from completely different ends of the spectrum and I love them both for who they are.
only time will tell, and one of my mottos in life is "you cant win if you dont bet."