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Old 03-01-2011, 12:48 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Last night at restaurant I told both of them to fix the problem or I would come up with a solution no one was going to like.
sorry to interrupt your conversation here with Sage, but seriously dinged? Was this the best course of action? That sounds rather passive aggressive to me, no?.

I can understand your being fed up and having moments when you wish it were all tied up in a nice bow... but saying that would of been better, no? Now I would wonder if they are left feeling hopeless.... usually when someone says that to me (my mother did MANY times in my childhood) I felt hopeless, helpless and left stranded emotionally and disrespected... this isn't good communication to me. No one can do stuff FOR YOU. You have to do it together.

It's rather self centred to me to think that people will just make it right when you snap your fingers. Think of when someone has said the same thing to you. It's a common way of raising children to no?. "Do as I say! no questions asked, and smarten up. What's your problem!" Usually this is what is said to boys, but in my house, and others I'm sure, it was directed at us by our mum when she had had enough... we learned nothing from it; nothing about how she felt, what we could do to help, as she never requested any help, and nothing about how to conduct ourselves in the future,,, just how to shut up and deal with our own hurt feelings at not getting our needs met (usually it was because we were hungry).

They don't know how to make it right. Your wife does not know how to make it right it seems. She does her own thing I think because there doesn't seem to be any communication on how to ask for what she needs. That is evident, no? It seems so if this is how you are communicating. It shuts her down and tells her and your kids that you better do this or there will be consequences. Ones that you won't like. That is threatening. They now think that they better smarten up or you will do something yet have no idea how to. Yet you get to sit back and wait for them to sort it out... nothing falls on you at all? Except to dish out some punishment after? There are other ways my friend.

So why not be inviting with finding ways to do that... In one set of good communication skills (NVC to be precise) there is a conflict resolution list that one can go through with another they are having a conflict with... it's on the communication thread in the stickes... or should be. Tell me if it isn't and I will add it. Maybe you should have a look. Or look at non-violent communication on line and see if you can get some new ways of asking for your needs to be met.... its part of a way of doing poly that sets solid foundations. It offers a way to speak to each other with respect and compassion. I hear none in the above quote. Really, its just one good way of having relationship skills that work. I wonder how much would clear up if you and the wife went and got some new skills in the area of communicating.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-01-2011 at 06:28 AM.