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Old 02-28-2011, 05:43 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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For me, I don't think moving on is an option. I feel strongly that I am poly, and as hard as it would be for me to go back to suppressing that part of me, my marriage is infinitely more important. We have something that very few people have together, and I know I'm asking a lot of him. We've both had a lot of emotions and difficulties through this as I'm sure most people do, but it is moving along, albeit slowly.

We've both felt trapped, and confused, but bottom line is, I couldn't remove myself from him because of a need to love others. He is that important to me, and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Granted it would be a whole lot easier for me, if he can come to an acceptance for this, and even enjoy what we both get out of it.

I really like the idea of "I'm really struggling with this right now", over "I can't do this anymore" because it is such a finite statement. I prefer that we take a step back and reassess, rather than cut it off completely, because feelings don't work that way.

We have had some good talks over the last couple of days. CAtching up on sleep has definitely helped. He's feeling less angry and more comforted. He's been telling me what his needs are (more affection, lots of loves and cuddles and reminders that we are still US, and my love for him is unwavering).

We've also discussed the sex thing. His fear of it. We've come to an agreement that we will let it happen once to start. Not opening it for good, but just a try. He wants to know when it happens (likely soon), and when it does we will reflect and process and discuss future interactions.

I don't feel like it's something I want because I don't get enough from him, or that I feel like I just want it from J. I feel like I need it for me, to express myself, and my feelings. It makes me feel amazing to have that connection with somebody and it's like opening that piece of my heart.

Hubby has a fear of what it will change, but my thoughts were if he waits until the fear is not there, he will never be okay with it. That we need to open that door, if even just once, to test it out and see if that it is a legitimate fear, or will it really not change as much as he thinks it will.

For today, we are in a good place. Poor J has gotten blasted with deepness lately, and he's still sticking it out with us, so that means a lot to me. He's not a very deep person, and I think has difficulty communicating at this level, or at all really, hah.

I admittedly did not proof read this, so if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, my apologies for the rambling.
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