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Old 02-28-2011, 06:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I'm sorry you are so sad and hurt... please know that your story is not at all unique to us here on this forum. I would suggest doing a lot of reading here and getting your husband on board with doing the same. Do a tag search, read in the blog's, go to the stickies and see what interests you and is relevant. There is a lot to learn. If you do a tag search I suggest you search for "mono poly" "boundaries" "foundations" "lessons" "negotiation" "OPP" "one penis policy" or go to the tag cloud and start there.

This was really shitty timing on his part. I would wonder how much of this is not getting his needs met and how much is that he really is poly. When babies come daddies are kind of lost for a time... they are not as needed... at least that is what is seems like to them until they figure out there role..

I would suggest starting with negotiating date time where you can spend time together child free and NOT talking about kids stuff. This is important for any parents, but you have to deal with his deceit and lies and his relationship with a new woman. That is definitely grounds to step it up a notch and get some work done on your relationship.

One penis policies (OPP) are not okay if you aren't getting your needs met. If you agree to that, then find, fill your boots, but you are not. Therefore he might have to look at his hypocriticism. Just not okay... he can go out and get more love in his life will you sit at home and raise his kids? NAH! don't think so. You get to go out and do stuff too. In my opinion you have every right to do that. Maybe not find a boyfriend, but anything you want. If that means a new boyfriend then you should not have to even ask if that is okay.

Is it a good idea to go and find a boyfriend now? No,,, you have a shit load of work to do and a new man will not make that get better, just pile more on.

How much have you and he talked about time management and how much have you asked for your own boundaries to be met. It sounds like you are not negotiating so much as saying "I don't want poly and that's that." Well there is a whole range of negotiating that can happen between that and "yay, poly..." where do you sit on the continuum and what specifics could you live with, what not...? maybe write them down and then exchange lists... you might find there is some stuff you could live with.
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