Well, yesterday was pretty rough. I might have bad timing, but I didn't say "I can't do it" lightly... When Jen said, "let's just get through tonight", it really hurt. So I started out yesterday pretty unhappy. I'm pretty sure I haven't been getting enough sleep this last week, so that could very well be why I've been angry... Anyways, I was feeling pretty depressed all day.
Jen had a Mardis Gras parade to skate in for her roller derby team. I really didn't want to go when I was at home, but it was pretty fun when I got there. It was sort of at a bad time though, considering all that was going on, and I really needed her with me. I got the kiddos home and in bed, and waited for Jen to get home.
Once she got back, we just snuggled for about an hour, talking the whole time. I cried a lot, more than I've cried before. It felt really good to get it all out, and I think we covered the bases of why I was affraid of things. I still have a lot of insecurities about myself right now. It's not easy to be everything to somebody for 7 years, and then have them say that they are more fulfilled now... We also talked about her time, and how much it means for me to have as much time with her as I can. She's been really busy with work and things, so I don't really get to see her as much during the week. I love every minute I get to spend with her, especially now with how close we've gotten. Having to share the few moments with another person is hard. So we talked about her not working for a bit, so we can get more time together.
I told her that I need a 100% from her, that if I can't do it, that she would stay with just me. But she said that she didn't think 6 weeks was enough, especially with how Jen and J really got on the same page on Friday (hopefully anyways). So I told her I would try my absolute best to stay positive about it all, but if I keep feeling like this for the next month, that I can't do it.
It's not right for me to sacrafice this much if I'm not happy. I like it when he is there, but it's more of our friendship that I cherish, and sort of not watch Jen and J as their own couple. Jen wondered if it would be easier for me to not see it, but if I am to accept them together, I need to see everything, and be there the whole way. If it's not in my face, it's kind of out of sight, out of mind. That just wouldn't work for me.
Sorry if things are jumbled up. It's been a pretty emotional week for me, and kids were up early...