Panic and Insecurity
The panic and my insecurities are really getting to me. It was on 1/31/11 when I found out that he was cheating on me and I keep going from OK for a few days and then back to a blinding panic that fills my stomach with knots and makes me incapable of anything other than the barest of going through the motions of life.
I REALLY hope this gets better with time.
I worry about what kind of a mother I am being to our kids. We have a 12 and a 2-yr-old and I just canít do much more than the basic mommy stuff with them right now. My head is not anywhere at times but on this issue.
For now, my husband and I have agreed that we are just working on US Ė individually and as a couple. We have also agreed to be completely honest. Most of the time this last part is what really scares me. I am still reeling from him lying to me for about 7 months. To my face. I asked him specifically a few different times if there was something romantic going on between him and A. and he always said no.
Now that I understand poly (a little) better I can definitely see how my asking him to be completely platonic with her was unrealistic. I am definitely still mad at him for telling me that he was ok with that though, and then never telling me that he was no longer ok with itÖ
But truly, the issue the last couple of nights is that I canít let my mind just rest. I am constantly thinking. Having doubts that he loves me, that he wants me, that I am able to fulfill him as his primary, that I didnít do something, or NOT do something and that is why he lied and cheated.
It hurts SO MUCH sometimes when I think about him and her together (because it was all behind my back). I want to beat the crap out of her (and him) in those moments.
But, I also hear my heart telling me that he does love me and that in a way he did the lying and cheating to protect me. I also hear HIM literally telling me this.
He is asleep right now and I am trying to have the strength inside myself not to go in there and wake him up to ask him to reassure me again. Just the day before yesterday I woke him up from a sound sleep because I was completely unglued. I see a counselor on Monday and I am hoping that this may help me with the constant buzzing in my head.
This is definitely not easy.
Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. - Maya Angelou