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Old 02-26-2011, 05:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,783
Default Solo poly dating

Now that I've thought about it, I believe the real issue for me is not about how to best utilize Google calendar or any other time management system, although I need to get that down, too. It's more of an emotional/prioritizing thing when dating. When I started doing the online thing, I was very cautious, with just a little bit of info in my profile and just a few select pics. I had a few nibbles and it started out slowly. Now that I've gotten more comfortable with the online thing and have actually met a couple of guys from the site, I started expanding my profile, adding better pics, and I'm getting more responses. I've also been meeting guys out there in the real world, now that I am not walking around weeping over my divorce (and it took a few months to get my too-tight wedding ring off). The men are basically coming out of the woodwork now, haha!

It's easy for me to get overwhelmed when there's lots going on, and I'm trying to stay levelheaded. I was single for a long time before I got married, and so I had lots of dating experience -- but it was often in pursuit of "the one," not the several! I did have a less mainstream attitude toward dating than my friends did, because I would focus on simply enjoying my time with someone, and was totally open to seeing people who might not've been my type just 'cause I liked them, even if I didn't really see a "future" with them -- because I wasn't always focused on finding a husband or trying to turn someone into my boyfriend. I could date just for the fun of dating, without worrying whether it would go anywhere or if this was someone I wanted to have sex with, and many of my women friends and acquaintances just didn't get that. I could go out to dinner with a guy a couple of times, and not freak out if that was it.

However, always in the background was the idea that I eventually should try to find "the one." And it would come up most strongly when I was feeling lonely. So, even though I had short periods of dating for the fun of just enjoying people's company, I would eventually come up against my cultural conditioning and begin to sift through my dates looking for a potential candidate for the long-term monogamous commitment. I wasn't looking for marriage, but I'd be mono with someone for a few months, or a year or so, we'd break up and it would start all over again. Not that unusual, I guess.

I guess the reason I started this thread is really to hear from solo poly people who are out there dating because I want to figure out how to balance those first dates and meeting new people, with the ones you've started to see a little bit more often, and the more established relationships you might have. Because it's a very different angle to dating for me, in that the goal is not to be exclusive or mono, and it feels weird sometimes. I'm not sifting people out as much as I am now "lining them up" for consideration! More people are possible candidates because I know I don't have to hope for as many needs to be met by one person. Someone who might be totally incompatible with me in one area, whom in the past would have been ruled out, is still a possibility if there is another area where we are compatible! I have to get used to just going with that and not worrying about the rest.

And because dating multiple people is all starting around the same time for me, rather than opening up an established marriage to additional partners, I'm kind of finding it challenging to determine how all the puzzle pieces are supposed to fit together.

I guess I just want a few other viewpoints and ideas on negotiating this dating world, as well as managing time and priorities. Or maybe I just needed to babble.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

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