Thank you everyone, for your responses.
Last night did not go anything like I thought it would, in fact, quite the opposite. I'm feeling numb and even more confused.
The guys got out of work late, after midnight, and J who is admittedly less than punctual was even later by the time he went home and changed and whatever else he needed to do. It was coming up on 2AM by the time he got here.
Before J got here, I was trying to give Hubby lots of love. Other than repeatedly showing him my affection and telling him how much I love him, I don't know how to keep reaffirming him. I'm trying to do everything I can to make him comfortable, or at least tolerable while we work through the emotions. Apparently it had the opposite effect. He took it as me being so excited that J was coming over that I was extra lovey and he didn't know why he can't have that effect on me (which I REALLY don't get because he does!!). I was trying to keep pretty indifferent on J coming because I knew I was going to be presenting him with a lot of information and wasn't sure how he was going to respond. I didn't want to have expectations about his response, and while yes, I was glad that I would be able to see him, I was also nervous.
Hubby was really tired and had gone to bed, he told me to wake him up after we had our talk so he can put in his 2 cents. He came out about 5 minutes before J got here and gave me a big long hug and said... I can't do this anymore.
Punch. In. The. Gut.
I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe that J was going to be here any minute and this was happening. I was trying to keep indifferent about what J might say, but when hubby said that out of left field it blindsided me. I wanted to cry, to scream, to vomit. I wanted to say okay, whatever will make you happy again, and agree to forget it. I couldn't do any of it, I just held him and hugged him. I had no idea how to respond because my emotions were everywhere. I felt torn and hurt.
I asked him if we could just get through this talk with J before we made any huge decisions. He apologized and said okay.
So J showed up right then, and hubby went back to the room so we could talk. J walked in and gave me a big hug and I just cried. Poor guy, didn't know what hit him. I told him I had a novel for him (I had written everything out to make sure it all came out in the right order and how I intended to say it), to grab a beer and come sit. So he read my book, okay it was really only 2.5 pages. We discussed it.
He apologized for not being truthful, for seeming to go back and forth about being in this. He said this situation is different for him. He's not used to being so accepted. He said that he DOES want to be here and in this with us. It's a change for him too. We talked about the things that I struggle with and he agreed to work harder on those and apologized for hurting me, and Drew in the process. He gave me a little insight on his inner workings. He even suggested that now that he has one less obligation during the week that he can probably come see me some evenings before work, which was nice to hear.
I sat there and hugged him for a long time, he kissed my forehead, and I was terrified that after coming to an understanding, as soon as I got hubby, it was going to be all over. That this was the last time I'd be able to be close to him.
So I went and got hubby, gave him a quick rundown of our conversation and he came out. It did not go well. He was introverted, and angry. He said he felt like he was walking around depressed and spacey. I felt outnumbered because with him acting totally out of character, I knew J wouldn't do anything that he thought was detrimental to our marriage so I was frustrated that he (hubby) wouldn't talk this out.
I don't want to say I don't feel like he's tried, I certainly think he has, but at the same time I feel like it hasn't been a fair amount of time of us being in a happy place for him to make a great judgment. That's not really coming out the way I mean... but it's so new in this whole experience, I mean we are about 6 weeks in from the first kiss, and this has been the 5th time J has been over in that time period. I feel so many of his feelings are based on thoughts of what he thinks will happen, instead of what is actually happening.
When J is here, we all get along great, and Hubby seems to ease up, but it's the time in between that it gets all jumbled up. After a while of getting nowhere, J cracked a couple of jokes, and hubby started to relax a little and come out of his shell. Of course then the conversation changed to a different subject and there I sat, full of tears still unsure of where this left us. I'm still there.
The guys held hands, I love it when they do that, haha. It gives me warm fuzzies. J told us that he loves us, I told them both how important they both are to me, and hubby said he loves us too. I feel that love when we are together, so I'm lost as to what happens in the middle. Hubby went to bed, and I was still left with no answers from him as to where this leaves us.
I stayed up with J for a while, we talked about random things and I hugged him and didn't know if I should feel guilty or comforted. He was getting tired and going to bed and asked if I wanted to tuck him in.. so I went and laid down with him for a while. I was torn between wanting to go in with hubby and be with him after this evening of hurt, and wanting to spend it with J since he is here so much less and I don't know if this is going to be the last opportunity I have. I couldn't sleep either way, didn't want to. After an hour I got up and went in with hubby. He told me how much he loved me, and I told him the same. Yet I still have no answers, and I feel lost. Unsure of who has to make the sacrifice. Torn between feelings.