January and February (1)
Okay so itís been a while since Iíve posted anything well Iím not really the best blogger in the world never was a person who keeps journals but Iím trying. January was also a very busy month for me and February, well itís kind of flown by as well.
January between the few 0-2 shifts a week at work, my back pain, working on belated xmas gifts now that I had the time, finally unpacking my things from the summer that Iíd packed up because I was going to be moving to the US on account of getting married (which of course did not happen) now that I had a new bookshelf to put things on, job hunting and spending time with John itís been super busy.
January was my creative month, I made a pair for slippers I sent to Beth, a scarf I sent to another friend, and a dragon sculpture out of fimo because Iíd been wanting to for a while. Iím presently working on making myself a swim bag. Despite having been super busy however I was feeling rather lonely. I missed John alot, even though we talked from night to night itís not the same as actually being with him in person. This dragged me down and in combination with several other things I was rather depressed.
The job hunt is not going well, for several factors, a) my need for regularity and consistency in my schedule b) Iím looking for something other than entry level for the first time and the required qualifications scare me c) something that will pay me enough to survive off on my own and d) a job that can be flexible with my back issues. I donít work well under pressure or with tight deadlines, I canít use a mac, my math skills are not strong, I donít know how to use accounting software and havenít used excel in years so not sure where I stand for proficiency. When I see those things, they scare me away from wanting to apply. So all those things complicate finding a suitable job. One of the things that didnít make that list while it is something I want but I doubt its likely is finding something I can be happy doing. I have an appointment with a place here that helps people find jobs on the 1st. Itís not a placement agency but they help you with your resume and offer workshops and such. I am hoping theyíll be able to help me address some of these issues so I can find something suitable.
I mentioned back issues; well Iíve had them since September. I just woke up with them one morning without any rhyme or reason without having done anything out of the ordinary to cause it. Since then itís only gotten worse. Presently I canít work much more than a 5 hour shift on my feet tops, and have issues sitting up in a chair for more than 2 hours at a time. If I push it too much I have to lie down. Iím seeing a chiropractor but it doesnít seem to help my back much and my doctor is useless and looks at me like Iím a hypochondriac every time I go in to see her with a problem. That itís not getting any better and seems to be getting worse has been dragging me down as well.
On top of all that we have Bob who asked on the first day of the New Year for the engagement ring back. I havenít sent it back yet, though he did ask again last week. That really upset me, but I already commented about that in my last blog entry. Right now I am on the fence as to whether to send it back to him or not. Iíve talked to a few people about it and they have different angles on what to do. My mother thinks I should send it back to him and hat heís entitled to it since I was the one who cancelled the wedding and called it off though he was ultimately the one to end the relationship because he couldnít accept me as poly. Other say because he gifted it to me it is mine and my decision whether to give it back or sell it myself, lord knows I need the money right now. So Iím indecisive. On the one hand I did tell him Iíd send it back, but on the other I am reluctant to part with it, not even sure if I could sell it yet to be honest. I know itís best to put the past behind you and I have been doing so, a little bit at a time but it doesnít make some things any easier. I donít hurt as much as often over Bob anymore, though there is the occasional song I still canít listen to and the odd, becoming rarer, time that I still think of him and what we had together, though it doesnít last long as its gotten alot easier to let go of now and not let it eat at me. So, yay for progress, and still donít know what to do about the ring.