Originally Posted by SimpleSimian
... having to learn to be okay knowing that your partner's love is divided (yes, I know that's not how it works, but that's how it feels to me, a mono),......
...... and their attention is divided (yes, it is, you can't pay full attention to two people simultaneously),
.......and sharing secrets and deep spiritual connections and dreams and ideas with somebody else besides you.
....... The reality is that those kinds of things can make a mono feel useless, hopeless, not needed, and a whole host of other things. Going from thinking you're the one person your partner can and will come to for anything, to knowing that they don't *need* you...hurts.
This is difficult and I get that... however, ones love is not divided in poly, its increased to incorporate other people and expands past what would be the bounds of a monogamous relationship.
Time is divided, but not love. Sometimes not even time... I only work 6.5 hours a day and live with two of my loves... the other two I see when I can, one more than the other... it suits our needs and has been negotiated that way. I don't think anyone suffers from lack of time with me for long... they simply have to say they are feeling like they need some time and we adjust... everyone considers the other and is willing to give so that I might be freed up.
Yes I share secrets with them... but I also share them on here
and to other friends. I don't reserve my secrets for my loves exclusively, that is way to co-dependant for me and not fitting to my personality anyway.
Need can expand just like love... what a mono person needs to grasp is this. Just because someone wants to spend time with another in no way means that they don't want to spend time loving you also... this takes time and practice and becomes evident as time goes on.
What I think is not realized is that time reveals much and when you are starting out with poly in your life, all is not evident yet. One has to ruminate and be open to experience. Rather than try to control it and just shove poly and its ideals aside. I know that is hard. It is not pleasant to be forced to face something new, but that, quite often is life, and this is just part of its great journey.