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Old 02-26-2011, 12:49 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by jokutus View Post
How do you control, or can you control the emotional / negative / breakup overflow from effecting your primary relationship?

Has anyone dealt with this? I mean, yesterday (the day it was apparent that the relationship was over) I was miserable. Today I am just emotionally numb... I want to get over this as soon as possible, and generally for me to get my head on straight it takes me a few months of seclusion and contemplation. It gives me time to do some "Relationship CSI" work and see when / where it all started to go wrong. While doing that, I know I am probably going to be obsessive, impulsive, neurotic and generally in a different head-space my wife. I don't want those feelings to bleed into her happiness...
A breakup is going to involve grieving--that's just something you'll have to go through. Your other relationships will be affected in much the same way as grieving you'd do for any other loss, such as a pet. That's part of this whole relationship thing.

As far as it bleeding into your wife's happiness, that can only happen if she allows it, if she can't hold on to herself in the midst of your relationship. If she's suddenly unhappy because you're dealing with some grief, that's a serious issue the two of you might want to address with a counselor, 'cause that's not healthy.

I can say that while I was grieving the end of my last secondary relationship, my wife was supportive. Her essential happiness wasn't affected, either, as we're fairly well-differentiated.
When speaking of various forms of ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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