Originally Posted by nycindie
Also wanted to say that you don't come across to me as ranting, but really are asking good, thought-provoking questions and expressing what's going on for you quite well and clearly.
I agree. I think the questions/thoughts warrant attention and understanding.
Something I think is worth considering within the thought that the mono is the one that is asked to change or leave, is the following:
For me, that's not true. What's true is that myself (the poly) and my husband (the "mono") had to address that there WAS a change in our situation due to my new-found understanding of myself.
Either WE could change, or our relationship would fall apart. It would be just as devastating to me to lose him as it would be for him to lose me. Just because I love another, doesn't diminish the pain I would feel if I lost him.
So, it wasn't a matter of "he could change and learn to deal with me or lose me" it was a matter of WE could change and learn to incorporate my needs in our relationship or we lose each other.....
I do hear what you are saying SS. AND I understand why you are saying it-a lot of people do seem to take for granted that the mono person should just "deal with their emotions". But, I think it's simplifying it overly much to say that the mono is expected to change or lose. If that's true, that would mean that if you don't "change" and you choose to accept "losing" your wife... that it wouldn't be as significant a loss for her... because if it were, it's not YOU losing, it's the two of you losing....
I'm not being bossy-just thinking out loud (fyi).