Thanks so much everyone. Your words and the dialogue in general have helped me get some perspective and feel some much needed support. We don't know anyone in our area (Houston, TX) that is polyamorous (although I am sure they are here) and all that the few friends I have told about the situation keep telling me is to leave him, or their was something I wasnít giving him so he went to find it with another woman, or he is just being selfish, and blah, blah, blah.
That kind of talk and perspective, while I realize they are on my "side;" is not helpful to me at all (or to him, obviously). I truly believe him when he tells me he knows he royally messed up when he lied to me and acted dishonestly and that he does love me and always has. He WAS trying to protect me and that was why he lied and it got out of hand. I have made it VERY clear that I need him to treat me like an equal and be completely honest from here on out.
However, as much as I am trying to empathize with him (and I feel that I do for the most part Ė I see him hurting) that he loves A. and misses her, I also recognize that MY needs at this time are that he does not have contact with her. We have talked about this at length and he understands that and that she betrayed me almost as much as he did. For now he has not contacted her at all (except the day after I found out when we agreed that he would call her and say good bye to her) and he says that he understands why this is something that I need to heal. I have told him that maybe (but at this point I donít see it changing) in the future this will change. My husband and I are being brutally honest at this point. We are both so happy that the lies are done and he told me just last night that me being able to accept him for truly himself was something that he didnít think anyone could do, so he didnít really give me the chance. He is so happy now that everything between us is in the open and that we are now working together to find out what will make us both happy means the world to him (and me!).
We have an agreement that we both need to work through this time and both heal and then we will re-evaluate. Do you think we should talk about a time frame with this Ė when we will re-evaluate, I mean?
Keep in mind that A. also had a boyfriend who has been with her well before my husband met her and he is all of our friend as well. He had no idea of their having a physical relationship until this came to light and is very hurt also. They are working on their relationship that was supposed to be monogamous, too.
Anyway, I donít want to seem like I am defensive. I really have had my eyes opened to the fact that a part of who my husband is means that he has the capacity to love more than one person deeply at a time. This is not at all a bad thing about him. It is beautiful, in fact.
All of the changes that this brings to my perceptions have me reeling right now, but the complete honesty and the love that we are making sure we are expressing every day to each other is helping me get through this.
Also, even though he hasnít posted anything on the forum, you better believe he and I are reading these posts together.
Much love to all of you!