Great... I was hoping it was a fluke that they have been feeling stronger lately... Not very reassuring. Do you ever feel anger Mono? It's recently been added to my long list of emotions...
I think it stems from the inevitability of it all. While I have a choice in all this, ultimately I feel as though the choice is already made, and cannot be undone. I can't expect Jen to go back to mono, after all that she has experienced. But at the same time, I've hurt more emotionally in the last 6 weeks than I have in years. Like Jen said, where is the balance?
Above all else, I want Jen to be happy. But at what cost? Is my effort to fill her needs by allowing her to explore poly ultimately negative? If I'm always emotionally strained, that takes it toll on Jen as well. The dynamic of our marriage is pretty much that one cannot be happy without the other. It's been like that since day one. Usually it was a pretty simple balance... But now, I'm not so sure.
If I say that I'm not comfortable with the poly thing, and Jen does try to be mono again, I would imagine it would always be in her mind. Not always in the front, but if some guy seems really nice, and she wants to talk to him or something... Oh well, too bad. Hubby wouldn't like that.
I've also been feeling envious. As hard of a time as I've been having, I kind of want to try and see if having a poly relationship myself would open my eyes. I did have something of a poly experience a while ago back in college. I met a girl online, and was planning on moving (from Oregon to Florida) to live with her. At the same time though, there was a girl at school that I really liked. Nothing was able to form, since she said "but you have a girlfriend", and that was that. But there was that connection.
So, I'm kind of just sitting in limbo right now, not really sure where this all is going to go. J is coming over tonight for a big talk, so we'll see how that goes.