Originally by redpepper:
It doesn't take long on this forum to find threads where I have struggled with casual sex since then. Do a tag search on the topic and you will see in about two seconds my fight with it... I damaged myself by believing that the sex was just fun and meaningless when really I subconsciously took it very seriously. My body took it seriously.
It was Mono that brought this change about when we first met (my now live in boyfriend). I did the work, and continue to, but he pointed something out to me in myself that I had not known for a long time. This was something that PN (husband) was not aware of and had not noticed or was not telling me... that is that I am worth more to others when I am me first and not a body to fuck.
I gave myself away to men that did not respect me. They used my body as a place to stick their cock and didn't even know the beauty I am inside as a person... they got off and took a bit of my soul every time... until I gave myself away freely and didn't really care that much as long as I got attention and felt falsely beautiful until they orgasmed
I brought this over here because it rings SO true to who I was in my late teens and twenties! I was having sex with just about anyone who would have me. I thought it was because sex was fun. Sex WAS fun, BUT that was only a by-product. The real reason was because I was desperately unhappy with myself, my life, where I was in my life and who I was.
My self esteem was at an all time low (it has since found even lower lows but I'm recovered now). I was married to a man who was mentally ill although I didn't see it at the time. Only time and distance have allowed me to see just HOW ill he really was. He was in jail & I was renting a room. I was fresh out of high school and still friends with some of the people from school.
I pretty much had a revolving door policy
It's not a time of my life I like to remember very much
At that time sex, for me, was tied in to how I felt about myself. It didn't matter what others thought as long as I was feeling good *sigh*.
It has been very long, hard road to get where I am today. I proud of myself though. I did the work, still am really, to feel better about myself. I let the inner me shine through because it's who I REALLY am, not that silly girl who felt so bad about herself that she would let others do to it what they wanted as long as it made her feel good.
Time for work.