Thread: Meditation
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Old 02-24-2011, 11:17 PM
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yoxi yoxi is offline
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Yes, it's like it was rumbling along at an almost unconscious level for decades, informing how I reacted in certain situations (like sharing rooms/space, and sex, and, well, any situation where I didn't have 'control over my environment'), but last summer it jumped several levels, in terms of both intensity and of my being aware of it, and the familiarity of it has made it really obvious in retrospect how much it's been present all along, and steering me around.

Meditation has never been easy, but my strongest motive for doing it the way I was doing it was (until fairly recently) that of wanting other people's approval, so that weighed much more than my own self-preservation. I can remember numerous occasions where I didn't want to do it but was following the crowd. And my 'best' meditation experiences have always been when I was on my own. So in an ironic way, this recent uprising of the PTSD symptoms is an indicator of me being much more connected with my own well-being than with others' approval, at last .

Also, what was going on until recently was way less biochemical/limbic, so it affected me more emotionally and much less physically. I'm inclined to say I have PTSD symptoms rather than "I have PTSD" because it's just a label and I don't particularly want to get entangled with it. Sometimes it's more straightforward (or handy shorthand) just to say that's what I "have" - but all I really have is a set of symptoms with a set of causes, and that's what I'm interested in - the causes and how to undo them, the symptoms and how to contain them.
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