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Old 02-24-2011, 09:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reptigal View Post
The good news is we are communicating about the situation. I've made my feelings known and that I need more time with him because I feel I'm being shoved away.
Yes, that is a good start in the right direction.

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He said he doesn't understand why he feels this way about this girl . . .
Eh, it's just chemicals (from the vibe she's directing his way). He's letting himself get carried away - perhaps getting scared of the bigger event that is looming - marriage?

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I've requested he slow down with this other girl. That I need time to think this through and a chance to educate myself.

I'm still uncomfortable about some of this. I feel bad that I secretly hope that by not agreeing to him being allowed to "date" her eventually the feeling will die down. I know that's wrong and manipulative and I don't want to be like that. I wouldn't mind their communication so much if it was only when I was at work or at skating lessons, but it happens even when I'm home and I think that is having more of an effect on me.
Your feelings are not wrong. They are simply your feelings.

I don't think it's enough to just say, "go slow," without defining what that means. Otherwise, it's too open for interpretation. I think it's very reasonable to ask that he limit his contact with her to band-related stuff ONLY, and not during off time from the band unless it's for scheduling. He needs to extricate himself from her spell so he can see things more clearly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reptigal View Post
I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair.
This is bullshit - let her get someone else to escort her. Aren't there other dudes in the band or in her life? Why is she glomming on to him? She seems to be zeroing in. Why does he feel like he needs to accompany her? That is weird.

Oh, and you're very sweet but really, he's your fiance and you guys are a monogamous couple. Just because he brought up this possibility and you're reading up on polyamory doesn't mean you now are selfish to ask that your FIANCE not have sex with anyone else. You both have made a commitment to each other -- where is his allegiance to that commitment and respect for it, and to you? Is it something he can toss aside so easily when someone else shakes her thing around him?

That's why I think he needs time away from her, as limited as possible - and not just for a few days or weeks, either -- so he can examine whether or not he really wants to be polyamorous, or if it's just some infatuation with someone who could just see him as a casual fling, or a conquest. What would the damage be to his relationship with you if he went that route? He needs to redirect his energies back to his relationship with you in order to see if he really does feel the need for more relationships in his life.

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Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?
He's your fiance and you guys are not in a poly relationship. All these things are reasonable, IMHO.

By the way, I don't really think she is your friend. I think she wants your man, though she denies it. Or she gets off on the drama, or feeds her ego with being able to attract someone who's taken. Your guy needs to shake himself out of his dream world and get back to planet earth, get back to relationship with you.

Oh, and what Flamekat wrote bears repeating:
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
From your last post, I would think it within your right to ask him to set aside specific times for when he does 'band stuff' when you are around .... and that the rest of the time is YOURS... no interruptions from this girl during your time.. at least for now while you are adjusting...

Another option would be for you to take an interest and join in with the 'band stuff'... and again I would stipulate that non-band time is to have no interruptions from this girl... for now...
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-24-2011 at 09:14 PM.
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