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Old 02-24-2011, 08:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Lets think if mono brought some hot blond who has her own Harley to the camping trip??? And yes they are out there "hot single bikers" and yes they have teeth.
Not blonde, no Harley, had a Triumph, going to have another.... does that count? (I have teeth, hair and some say a nice ass) J/K


wow...Are you saying that the 3 of you lived in the same house for years during which many of those you were having an affair with GG???
Yes. I was having an affair of the heart the entire time. I was having a physical affair a small portion of that time, but more than once. There were several years in between that were not physical. But-that's neither here, nor there. The point being, that I was having an affair.

Out of 9 yrs how many were you cheating?
I'm not sure precisely how to answer this question, because of what I wrote above. I'll try to elaborate as succinctly as poss. Understanding-I'm NOT MAKING EXCUSES-just relaying facts ok?

I've known GG for 18 years (since 1993). I had sex with him the first time 16 years ago (1995). Maca and I began dating after re-encountering one another in 1998. At that time I had not had sex with GG since the one time in 1995. The DAY that Maca reappeared in my life, I had made plans to meet GG for coffee to discuss moving in together....
In 1999 Maca and I were married, GG walked Maca's son and my daughter down the aisle in the wedding ceremony.
A lot of drama not pertinent to the point and unrelated to GG, that resulted in Maca and I having relationship issues ensued.
In 2001 my daughter (10 yrs) had to be sent out of state for her protection from Maca's ex-wife. I became suicidal and Maca distanced himself further.
Having been attached emotionally to my daughter (helping raise her since she was 18 months old) as well as me, GG stepped in to try and help. Maca accused me at that time of having an affair, but I was not.
The accusations continued and became more and more intense as the months passed. In June, Maca told me he was leaving. He acknowledges now it was intentional, to make me "break down" so he could return and be the "knight in shining armor".
However, due to my already precarious hold on myself, it resulted in me snapping. We were staying at GG's apartment temporarily and when Maca left, I curled up in a ball on the stairs and freaked out, where GG found me. He took me upstairs (his bedroom, but the only room away from the livingroom where the boys were). He tried to comfort and calm me-but I wasn't consolable. I went to the shower, curled up in the bottom of the tub sobbing. GG came in, pulled me up and I basically fell into his arms asking him if he loved me, if he would love me blah blah (I can't quote it, it wasn't sensible). Maca walked in.
Shortest version-he tried to kill GG, assualted me, packed the kids and me in the car, drove us out to the house (we were trying to sell it-long story). Violence followed that encounter. I called a friend the next day to come get me and moved to Fairbanks.
Started having an affair with GG. Accepted my feelings for him (I'd always refused to act on them on the basis that he was too immature).
Maca and "reconciled". I stopped the physical affair for a time.
Maca moved GG into our house 9 years ago "to make me happy" according to him (I never asked him to do that).
The physical affair restarted and stopped several times.
Sept 2009 I decided that my life was a fucking train wreck and I needed to get my shit in order. I got honest with myself-and with Maca and GG as well as the kids and my siblings, parents etc.

I really don't understand how GG and maybe even you, is still alive.....I'm kidding of course.
It's not a joke. I don't know either-but I also don't know how Maca's alive. I'll leave it at that, because it's not my story to tell, it's his. I am willing to tell all of what I've done wrong, because that's part of the responsibility with doing things wrong, you take responsibility for them, acknowledge them, atone for them and try to make right anything you can regarding your actions. But, it's not my place to track other people's wrong doings.
It's enough to say that we are all aware that each of has had opportunity to kill the other and have society in general consider the murder "justified".

I wonder if the two of you will ever know how devastating this is or was to him.... it may bubble up and out years later.
Of course not. I can know what it was to find my ex with another lover while I carried our daughter in my belly. I can know what it was to feel my beloved brutally raping me. I can know what it was like to murder my unborn child-not once, but twice. But, we can all only know the experience as we live it, because we are each different. I can only attempt to make amends in whatever manner I'm capable of and he's willing to accept. The same is true for GG. The same is in fact true for Maca.

That type of betrayal and the feeling of being a chump or sucker doesn't go away with a one time drunk.
Oh hell no. Of course not. 500 drunks, 5000 drunks won't help.
I hope he went to therapist for this... I would say this scar may be around for a very long time.
Seen a therapist yes, managed to work on THIS issue, no. Because, as multiple therapists have told him, there are so many prior issues (prior to me) that he needs serious help on, that he hasn't GOTTEN to this one yet (sort of a chronological order AND deal with the biggest one first scenario, this being neither the first OR the worst)

I can see a dozen reasons why he has sough out other relationships I have a few of those myself.
So can I. Doesn't work, but I had to learn that the hard way-some of us do. Hopefully, he won't learn it with such heartache as I did.

His becoming poly was a response to his situation...he wants back what he thinks he lost.
Yes and no. He always was open to the idea of other sexual partners. He had other sexual partners with my consent prior to any of this starting. He just wanted it to be a OPP.

He may want to make you feel in a very small way what he was forced to feel.
He did, for a time. But, that didn't work, because I'm not possessive or insecure the way he is. I love HIM, not what he does for me. I FULLY admit that I wasn't lovING him when I was being a moron all of those years. But, as I've worked on myself, learned how to be real and true with myself, I've also learned that loving him means accepting him-with his faults. Regardless of who he sleeps with, dates, etc-I love HIM and because of that, I want what is best for him, period.

This is exactly how I feel.
Truly, not surprised. I remember feeling that way after I found my ex in bed with another woman. It was devastating and I wanted him to suffer as much as I did. But, nothing I can do will accomplish that. He brought his own suffering on himself and had to learn through it. Likewise, Maca can't do anything that will "punish" me the way I punish me. EVEN if he murdered our whole family-GG included, he wouldn't be able to punish me like I punish myself.

Hell he may be fine and moved on.... I wouldn't count on that... even if things look good.....ticking time bomb.
Oh no, he's not fine. He's got so much shit to work through inside of himself that there's no definition for how emotionally fucked up he is. That is being said with sympathy, not condemnation. The man has been through hell in so many ways it's not funny or even comprehendable. But, this isn't a dress-rehearsal, it's our life. So, if we want to make something of it, we have to work through our shit and move on. Shrug, he's trying. Might take a year, might take ten years, might take 100. Doesn't matter, I love him.

Again I'm looking at things through my puked on lens..
I'm sorry-but that was so damn funny to visualise. My whole family is into photography-and the visual was just hysterical. On a serious note, it's ok, we're all where we are right now, that's just the way it is.

I sincerely wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world. Even more for Maca
Thank you, he needs as much well wishing as the world will give.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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