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Old 02-24-2011, 07:18 PM
EpsilonLyr EpsilonLyr is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Pacific Northwest, U.S.A.
Posts: 27

Hey it speaks strongly of your bond with your wife and of your character that you are already thrusting yourself headlong into figuring this polyamorous thing out after being approached with it just a short time ago.

Originally Posted by Lunshbox View Post
There have never been any outward signs that she felt this way. She is very good about hiding certain feelings and it usually takes some work to dig them out of her. But this was completely-out-of-no-where, blind-siding material. She said that she hadn't told me yet because she was scared that I would a) hate her and b) leave her.
I can see some parallels between your situation and mine, except that it is flipped. I am a hetero male in a 6year relationship with my wife who is strongly mono-oriented and I have just begun the delicate and frightening task of expressing my poly feelings. It is scary and world-spinning and painful on both sides. Perhaps your wife is going through some of the same things I am. On the one hand I don't want to hurt my love of so many years, but on the other hand I've felt this pull inside of me to seek out emotional relationships with other women. It's at times been so strong that it caused me intense guilt and emotional pain. And since we live in a society that doesn't try to understand or embrace love without heavy restrictions, so often people with poly leanings feel as if they must hide. In fact, many people here still haven't "come out" to their friends and family for fear of the consequences, despite the fact that they might be incredibly happy in their arrangement.

Originally Posted by Lunshbox View Post
I felt like she had lied to me because we have talked about it a few times since our friends came out and we both were, at least in words, on the same page. We have always had an honest relationship, sometimes perhaps too honest.
I can tell you from experience that even when I was having poly feelings over the years, having strong amorous feelings for two people at the same time, that I had no idea what poly was and still adhered, ideologically, to the common ideal that one person may only love/be with one single person. Maybe she has been hiding this from you all along, but perhaps on the contrary she is simply figuring it out herself.
Originally Posted by Lunshbox View Post
I just don't know if it is something I can do. I agree that denying a major part of oneself is a sure route to unhappiness, but which person has the right to the happiness when there is no compromise? It is either we go through with this and she is happy and I am miserable or we don't and she will never be completely happy and I will constantly feel like I stopped her from finding true happiness.
I can see why you feel that it comes down to your happiness or hers and that you are at an impasse so far. Hopefully the two of you can hash things out and decide what you as a couple can and cannot compromise on. There are so many compromises to be had. Being poly can mean anything, not just having multiple sex partners (probably a redundant statement on my part). And you pointed out that you like to keep things planned... dare I say structured ( I agree!)... many sources relate that the most successful mono-poly relationships involve a lot of rules, understanding of boundaries, compromises, and above all, communication. The rules are up to the persons involved. It's all up to you both. But hopefully she won't be putting too much pressure on you to go along with this. It sounds more like you are going above and beyond to figure this out on your own.

Anyway it sounds like you are going to read some highly recommended books and of course there are excellent resources here and around the web... all of which will help you better than I could.

Here's an interesting site I found that breaks things down pretty well, although I haven't exhaustively investigated it, the info might be helpful.
Polyamory for the Monogamous
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