Originally Posted by ladyintricate
Now I am trying to figure out where do we go from here? I truly love him and I want him to be happy. I want ME to be happy too. No more lies, no more deceit, but how do we make this work?
It's unfortunate that things unfolded the way they did but if it's any help, understand that this seems the rule rather than the exception.
LovingRadiance has posted some very sage comments that ties in much of the reality of this. I would read this over, and over and over until I fully understood it.
I would only add possibly one thing that might add clarity.
It's critical to truly understand that loving more than one person is our NATURAL state ! We do it all the time in various other ways. It's only when it comes to what some call "romantic" love, sex etc that people have tried to change the rules.
But we all know what happens when people try to make rules that run against our basic human nature. The rules get broken unless we can identify some real danger more serious than our discomfort.
So what happens here is that in general, a church dominated culture has suppressed any real education and dialog regarding what love is and how we may deal with all it's various facets. So when these totally natural events eventually pop up - and they do for a majority of people - we have little knowledge how to proceed in any wise and caring manner. So we stumble, make mistakes, hurt ourselves and others and then cry foul.
What we needed to avoid this was not more rules that go against our basic natures, but more knowledge & understanding of this nature and constructive methods for dealing with it ! That seems to be what the growing public polyamourous culture is trying to bring to light.
It's entirely possible to live in complete harmony with ourselves and loved ones, but like so many other things, we need some 'lessons'. A little help. A little support along the way.
If you can embrace this, this place along with many others, books and other resources can ease this transition into a more natural way of living & relating.
All I can suggest is wipe the past clean. Don't hang onto mistakes born of ignorance. You both TRIED to navigate this with what little knowledge & instinct you had. It simply wasn't enough. Nobody is truly at 'fault' except the culture that has tried to suppress basic human nature. Take a deep breath, get learning and TALKING ! Incessantly ! Forgive each other if that helps.
Start again. This time wiser and more curious.
We're all here to help any way we can.