I want to clarify:
In the time before he told me he was poly (this was also before he realized it fully himself) and we were completely monogamous up to that point, to when he told me he was poly- to now, I have always encouraged communication with my husband and honesty. I have always said that we can do anything if we tackle it together.
I have and would NEVER say that he was wrong for loving someone or in needing to be himself. I love HIM. He says himself that he had a lot of shame from his childhood that he imposed on himself for years that prevented him from even facing who he was to himself. What I said to him was that his choice in being dishonest with me was a poor decision and that this hurt me. It especially hurt because my husband, the woman (A.), and myself , had agreed that they would NOT cross that line into sex or anything other than platonic love. This seems pretty unrealistic now to me, but my husband said that this decision was ok with him and that he loved her and me, but that he did not have to have a sexual or physical relationship with A. in order for him to be happy.
The reason I cannot be ok with him and A. having a relationship now is that he and she broke that promise to me (they had sex). They broke that promise to me multiple times and I then found out about it. I was not told about it by my husband, as I would have expected to be (And had asked him to) or by A. Our decision come to by the 3 of us was that this was going to be platonic and that if something with that changed, or if my husband and A were not able to do that, or if anyone’s needs changed then we would talk. They did not talk to me until after I confronted my husband.
Anyway, I did read what you have all said and I appreciate the feedback. I think now that I was naïve and my husband was too in the way we handled things 2 years ago. Clearly the “platonic” situation did not work. This is all new to both of us. I have been reading many posts on here and they have filled me with a lot of hope for us. I have been reading quite a few of MonoVCPHG and Redpepper’s posts, for instance, and also Sage’s and her blog. Thank you for being here. I will continue to read and learn.
My husband J. and I had a long talk today and we are both feeling much better. We now have a crystal clear 100% honesty policy between us. I also told him that I 100% love him as he is and for who he is. He told me that he knows that because that is what I have always told him. I feel so much better tonight because we have decided to do what we should have done when he realized he was poly: work on our own individual stuff (we are both going to go to a counselor separately) and then once we both feel more secure in ourselves, we are going to explore what role a third person will have in our life together. I want him to be happy and I also feel that I have the capacity to grow. Sage’s blog is an inspiration to me.
J. and I don’t know what is going to happen in the future except that we both love each other and we are going to be honest and open and truly take that journey together.