Originally Posted by dingedheart
I'm not completely confident about your story or history.... when you decided to take this journey did the three of you discuss the parameters? Was there a time lag with everyone finding comfort zone? How long have you been doing this?
Nope. I was a nightmare (trainwreck anybody?). I had an ongoing long term (YEARS) affair with my best friend.
September 2009 I learned about polyamory. In tears I faced the fact that what I was doing was fighting myself, I was trying to pretend to be that which I never was (devoted to only one). I confessed to my husband (maca) and told him that I would completely understand if he chose to leave and if that was his choice, I would do whatever was in my power to make things easier for him (and our children). I explained who I was, what I needed in order to be real and left him be to process the information.
He got shitfaced drunk and passed out.
Later that week he told me that he didn't want to leave, but wasn't sure he could remain in a relationship with me now that he knew the truth about who I was. We agreed to give it 6 months.
FYI-GG, the man I had the affair with and am still dating, has lived with us for 9 years and has been a key player in raising all of our children, including my 19 year old, whom he's been helping raise for 18 years.
In the interim year there have been MANY discussions about parameters, and they've changed numerous times. Sometimes back and forth (more freedom/less freedom) as we figure out what does or doesn't work for each of us.
I would say that at this point in terms of the three of us, we've all found a comfort zone, but only in the last few months.
As for in terms of polyamory in general, GG is not poly. He is mono and uninterested in pursuing any other romantic relationships.
Maca thinks he may be poly, but this experience has brought about an awareness of many personal issues on all of our parts that need work. In Maca's case, some of those personal issues impact his abillity to productively manage his own life, much less our relationship and therefore are a trainwreck regarding any new relationships.
That hasn't stopped him trying to pursue other relationships, but it has meant that they haven't gotten far. There is a woman who he believes that he loves, she's a wonderful, beautiful woman and I totally adore her. But, at this time, there is just too much "stuff" to deal with for them to really get further than friends+ a little hugging and kissing occasionally.