In no way am I making excuses here, I completely agree that honesty is a necessity in a relationship.
But, just for the sake of being reasonable, please consider this...
If you knew that someone whom you truly loved... was going to be destroyed emotionally by attributing false beliefs (i.e. believing that you don't love them, that they aren't "good enough"etc) to your actions (loving another person)....
would YOU tell them?
Do you tell your friend, sister, mother etc that she looks like crap and needs to deal with her diet and exercise?
Do you tell your children that their "beautiful" artwork actually looks like crap?
I'm not saying that you SHOULD or that you SHOULD NOT. I'm just saying, the large majority of people lie on a regular basis and so long as that's true, even if it's not about the same TOPIC or to the same PERSON, it's really not fair, reasonable, or rational to tell another that they "shouldn't" lie.
(that said, if HE asked my thoughts-I would ride his ass for lying-but it's not him asking for advice)
Polyamory isn't being in love with one and having other "just friends". While it may have felt safer for you to say that he could retain the frienship but nothing more, it wasn't accepting him as polyamorous
him agreeing to those terms WAS the appropriate step AT FIRST, to give you time to confront the new reality of who this man you are married to REALLY is.
he was wrong for not setting a time limit on that agreement, because by doing so he was setting himself (and the agreement and your relationships) up for failure.
It is PERFECTLY ok for you to be monogamous. PERFECTLY. But, in life, we only get to control ourselves. It is also perfectly ok, PERFECTLY ok for him to be polyamorous.
In a world that continues to preach publicly that it's NOT ok for him to be what he is-he learns to fight against himself. Unfortunately, whether we like it or not, anytime we try to fight against the truth of who we are, we will eventually fail.
In essence, he lied to you, because he was lying to himself in order to try to be the man you wanted him to be and the man that he BELIEVED he was SUPPOSED to be.
If you want him to be honest, you have to allow for him to be the man he IS and be accepted by you as that man.
How many "poly-peeps" are in the closet? If they are in the closet, they are lying. They are lying about who they are to SOMEONE, because they are protecting themselves and/or their loves/family/children from the abuses that they have every reason to believe will come if they are honest.
People who know that being honest will cause them to be abused, whether it be emotional, mental, psychological, physical, sexual.... generally will lie for self-protection. This doesn't change until they learn that there is another way out-and frankly, this isn't something that is commonly taught in action right now.
It's easy to blame the liar, and make no mistake-I agree that lying is wrong,
but the truth is that we are all to blame for the messes we find ourselves in due to our own expectations.
Someone who feels safe and secure about sharing the truth about themselves, rarely lies about it. Human nature is to protect ourselves.
If we're in a burning building, and the fire reaches our bodies-without "logic" we will jump-even knowing that we're too high to live through the fall. Because the burn is happening already, but the landing is not. Firefighters watch this too often if they aren't onsite quite soon enough or don't have the necessary equipment to reach the victims.
4. You say that you love him and that he loves you. It's my understanding that loving someone means wanting what is best for them. Is that your understanding also? If so, are you REALLY loving him? (were he here I'd ask him the same) Are you loving him as a verb (action word), not a noun.....?
Sometimes, loving someone means letting them do/be/say/have what you would not want, because it's what is best for them.
Sometimes, loving someone means letting them go, because you aren't able to accept them for who they are, and in order to give them what is best for them, you have to allow them to be with people who can accept them for who they really are.....
"Love As Thou Wilt"