Originally Posted by ladyintricate
Two years ago he kissed a woman
..... I was very hurt
......He apologized profusely that he had kissed her and especially that he kept it secret, but said that he was starting to love this woman .......
I agreed that as long as he was 100% honest in the future he could be close friends with this woman and I would try to be friends with her as well. Basically, that she would be in our life – if I could handle that, I would try.
Fast forward 2 years (now) and my husband cheated on me with this person. .......
He says that it was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and he knows it was wrong. He says that he fell completely in love with her through continuing to be friends with her, but that he never wanted to hurt me. Per him, he knew that I could not handle him having a “more than friends” relationship with her because of what I had said before, but could not bear to not be in love with her, so he lied to me. I do not think any of that last part, as far as his actions, are OK at all and I have told him this. I told him that the only way we can even hope to work through this is if he does not have contact with her anymore. It has been about 3 weeks now and he has honored my wishes.
Some days I feel like I am working through this, but he still misses her and tells me about that. I understand that he loves her and that he is dealing with not having her in his life anymore, but I cannot handle him telling me about that because of the betrayal associated with it for me. He has said that he still loves her and wants her in his life and he is worried he will never be happy and that he will just make me miserable.
I am definitely monogamous- that is just me. However, I am willing to accept him for who he is and maybe someday (after a lot of healing) even try to be in a poly relationship with him. However, I cannot ever try to open myself up to that with this particular woman involved (it just hurts too much). What should I do? Should I just give this all time for us to both heal?
I'm sorry to pour all this out (I know this is a book), but I don’t know what to do. Totally unchartered territory for me and him. We went to a marriage counselor and she really wasn’t much help at all.
I don't know what others have written yet. I will go back and look in a bit. I wanted to respond first.
Your husband must be in great pain. I feel for him. Two years! Seriously! Two years of hanging out with someone he loves! That has got to suck royally. I couldn't do it. He has NO reason to think his love is a mistake. Yes, what he did was a mistake, but the love, no.
You each play a part in this, firstly, if you thought this would go away then your were naive. Being a person who loves many is not something that "goes away" if anything it gets bigger. You seem to of neglected to get on this situation. You made an agreement that did not involve any kind of closeness for the two of them. Friendship? Come on! Not good enough, he loves her! That is not the same thing... that is torture!
He also did not take this situation into his hands by being honest and getting on it. Ya, you got mad the first time, but he needed to face his fear of that and you needed to be more patient I think. I don't know what you said, but somewhere a long the line he has got in his head that this is not okay. It's totally okay to love others, where was the compassion from you?! Especially as you say that "one day" you could be poly with him. Well, excuse me, but NOW is the time... not on your terms! On both of your terms.
I have just been through this same kind of experience. Check my blog from the last month or so. I have a non-sexual boyfriend, Leo, that I did some stuff with that went beyond the boundaries I had with my monogamous partner (Mono). He hit the roof and I was terrified of losing him. We processed this and still are. I have been with this other man for two years... same length of time as with my boyfriend. I ended up deciding Leo was not a good match in terms of the investment we would have if we were to have sex. I become very bonded and connected after sex with someone I love and who loves me. I wonder if your husband does too?
The whole experience has made us realize that it is possible that I might come across more love in my life. When we get there Mono and I will likely break up. He just will not be able to accommodate that. You seem to be saying that you CAN accommodate that and are willing to! Why not now? He loves this woman, you have known that for years, yet you cling to him and seem to not be willing to let him go. Why? I don't get it.... sure you are feeling betrayed, I get that. But that's it? Your man is giving you some information here and you are avoiding it.... HE LOVES HER AND IS POLY. What are you going to do about that....? My suggestion would be to allow your heart to open and let him go to her. Work on boundaries so that you get the time with him you need and let him go. He has proven he will stick by you. Show him some respect and gratitude for his loving you and let him go. That pain you are feeling is not going to go away until you decide to end it with him, or let him be who he is. He has stiffeled himself for two years! Is that not prove enough of his love and devotion to you?