View Single Post
  #7  
Old 02-23-2011, 08:43 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,041
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It's also quite rude of him to just get infatuated, announce it to you, and then spend tons of hours with the new girl, as you stagger around and have your entire world rocked.
I agree with this. ^

What occurred to me while reading your post is that this woman might have been working on your husband to influence him in a way that would make him want her and move apart from you. But he's fighting that and saying, "can I have you both?" Possibly it's not really what he wants (being with her), but she's done her thing to him. The red flag for me is all the time they spend together and chatting online. If she was really a friend of you both and respected his monogamous relationship with you, she would curtail those activities with just him. When I was married, my husband and I called women like that "Splitters," as in "Relationship Splitter," a term used by some people who lead workshops on relationships that I used to attend.

In poly, they call women like that "cowgirls," 'cause they want to move the guy away from his other relationships and have him to herself, like taking a steer away from the herd.

A Splitter is often someone who is very self-centered in wanting all the love they can get directed their way. As kids, they were often the ones who would wriggle between their parents when they saw them kissing. As grown-ups, they often find themselves befriending married monogamous people and then throw up their hands when the spouse gets upset and say, "We're just friends!" But there are subtle ways they work their voodoo. Sometimes women like that are not consciously aware of these patterns of behavior they have, and wonder why they get into this kind of situation over and over again, and only have male friends because women don't trust them around their mates.

Your fiance may just be under her spell, and I think stepping back and not seeing her for a while will help him sort out his feelings and see if he may have been played by a woman like that. He might just be thinking with his penis.

He certainly has a responsibility to you and your relationship. Everything you wrote in your first post are very valid things you could say to him. You might ask him to also come and register here and read this thread. Be strong. So sorry you're hurting! And welcome to the forum.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-23-2011 at 09:14 PM.
Reply With Quote