BlackUnicorn and Kreeativ, Thank you for your supportive words.
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
I have one question; when your husband told you he might be poly, did you just leave it at that? Did it ever come up again before his betrayal was uncovered? Or did you think it should be enough for your husband to be just friends with this woman? It's likely that after the discussion, you had somewhat different understanding of what you had agreed on. Or it might be that you had a perfect agreement, and he chose to go against that.
We talked about it a LOT. I wanted to be very clear and I was (he has told me that himself). At the point where I first found out he was poly and that he had kissed this other woman (I will call her A.) I was very hurt and upset and confused. I wanted to know what he needed and what I needed so that we could both evaluate if we could do those things and continue our marriage and how to do that. He said that he was ok with just having her as a very close friend (platonic - no sex or kissing) in his life and he hoped that I could accept her as a friend as well. I agreed to this with the caviat that we would keep communication open and no dishonesty. I talked to her about what I was comfortable with and with him and everyone agreed to that.
This all worked fairly well for a while, except that I never felt much more than a weak friendship for A while he seemed to get closer and closer to her up until now/the affair.
My husband says that he wasn't able to keep it to the platonic love level and that he basically panicked because he loved us both and then the sex and dishonesty happened. He says that if it is between her or me it is me. At this point I know myself well enough to know that I cannot trust her again and I cannot trust him again with her, so that situation (if I am involved) much to my husband's unhappiness, is over.
Now I am trying to figure out where do we go from here? I truly love him and I want him to be happy. I want ME to be happy too. No more lies, no more deceit, but how do we make this work?