Originally Posted by dingedheart
In a hypothetical exercise how would you see your situation if mono had 1 or 2 fully poly relationships such as your own? I'm sure you have explored this in your head once or twice. Better worse or just different. How so?
In your long history with in this lifestyle have you ever encouraged one of your partners to have other partners as to bring equality and harmony in the relationship??
The gilded cage mentality I think is troubling, I think you might want to reframe this in some way... add to it that the cage door is always open and that you can always fly through it... .. maybe that would feel a little better.
The only part of Mono having other loves other than me that would be to my benefit would be his understanding of what the hell is going on for me as a poly person. He doesn't get it on a very core level.
I think largely because he puts everything into everything he does. Home renos, his bike, me, our family, anything that Mono does has got his full attention. Creating time for another might work if he is able to focus on me and then focus on another in between times, but he loves me all the time and finding time to love another while keeping that in the background would just not work. I can see that with him. He is very attentive with his affection and love... it is constant and strong... he shows it by calling me several times a day, emailing, texting, sending me stuff on email. When we are home he hovers over me and wants to know what I am doing... what we are doing. He helps out with what I do. He touches me all the time when we are together and asks for kisses...
Only occasionally does he and I sit in a room together and not be close. Usually because he has a "project" going on... right now its to get bike tires... before that it was the door between the suites. Because I maintain my separateness from him in my head (I don't know how to explain that), that time I use for myself more. Sometimes I ask for time to myself, but he will still be on the other side of the house. He is very respectful of my space and encourages it. He would be inches away from me all the time if he could.
Ya, no way to fit another love in there. HA!
Ya, I think that would be very "different." His attentiveness makes him really good at being a military man btw.
I have, with past partners, been completely co-dependent. Done everything with them to the point where I was unable to do anything on my own. My ex wife and I were like this. PN and I are not. He does his own thing and I often don't know what is going on for him. I am fine with that as we have good boundaries and check in often.
PN has had other loves in his life. Two men and two women to date. He is not with anyone right now and doesn't intend to be. He has decided right now that he is poly in his heart but crap at it in execution. He gets lost in NRE and is not able to multi task at the best of times. He gets going on something to the detriment of other things a lot of the time. Focus on one thing seems to work best for him.
Mono gave me a door when he said that he would be willing to explore what it might be like for me to add Leo as someone I am intimately close with. That to me is the door. I am not interested in going through it at the moment. Something changed in me just knowing it is there. All I wanted was a door, and I got one... well two as he built one at the same time
hm, interesting to think about actually. What is behind that.. if anything?
Thanks for the suggestion of a door... I hadn't thought on that before. Very helpful