View Single Post
Old 02-23-2011, 04:45 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,677

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
.... he thought he was mono, has recently discovered he might not be, and thinks it will be a little less like cheating if he brings her into your bed.

....... very common for people just starting on the path of non-monogamy

Most relationships end up blurring the lines between me and you a bit..
Agreeing here. Very common theme... I don't want to cheat, so why don't we share. I did this once with my ex wife and PN... ended in a tragic mess.

Monogamy seems to breed co-dependence in relationships and when a couple is merged with each other so that there are no lines defining where one person is and the other it gets tricky when one person wants to break away from that.

I don't mean to say that being bonded is bad... connection, bond, considering ones partner, planning and doing things together is not bad... but then that is not co-dependent as far as I know it. Co-dependent is when one person cannot move without the other coming along too. Can't take a shit without the other knowing about it and being right by their side.

There is a healthy line between one person and the next that I think needs respecting. It means one can have ownership over themselves, not others. They can own their feelings, actions and desires... your man doesn't seem to be doing this and it makes me think that the two of you are a bit co-dependent. Perhaps a lot?

This will take some separating out to determine what is his and what is yours and what you are willing to share. Having been through this before, emotions aside, what is shared is time together. Boundaries can be created for that quite easily, but it means that everyone has to be on board with having their own life, goals, hobbies, whatever... his is this woman right now. Yours is what? reading, self help, crocheting, school work? This is what needs determining... once you have something of your own to grasp on to, the time he spends with her is not as hard to swallow... eventually you might even look forward to when he is not around so you can get on to your own stuff... all the while looking forward to the date you have planned with him for later.

When a partner decides they are poly and goes ahead and NRE's all over the place it can be a slap in the face of their established partner because they are used to a certain amount of attention and time. Or they are co-dependent. That feeling is one of devastation when the partner pulls away to be with another. That feeling to me is a sign that I need to look at my own life as mine is too wrapped up in what they are doing.

There is nothing wrong with being wrapped up. Nothing at all. Monogamous couples do just fine this way and some poly vees and triads... the point is to adjust to being wrapped up in other things too and find a balance between being wrapped up in a partner and ones own interests.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote