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Old 02-23-2011, 01:45 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just because a person hasn't had sex in a while doesn't make them celibate. To be celibate is a choice one makes.

Celibacy is defined in the dictionary as the "abstention of sexual relations," and to abstain means "to hold oneself back voluntarily". You're not really celibate -- you're solo, available (correct?), and just haven't gotten any in a long time. I always think changing one's perspective helps.

I think, of course, it's good to have the "poly talk" soon after you meet someone, but not always before the first date. At least for me, I prefer to enjoy someone's company, see how I feel about them before talking about the parameters of what kind of relationship they should expect. That seems a little presumptuous to me. Because I know I can enjoy dating without expectation, and one never knows where that may lead. The surprising thing is that sometimes the guys I date mention non-monogamy before I do, and they are not part of the poly community. I think it's "in the air" and the wave of the future, so to speak. Additionally, when I do bring it up, I don't always see the need to use the word "polyamory." I talk in terms of exclusivity, and that I'm not looking for that. For some reason, that word is less threatening and makes the most sense to people just dating.

HTH!
Yeah, I'm not talking about orientation here. My orientation is definitely poly.

As for "I think, of course, it's good to have the "poly talk" soon after you meet someone, but not always before the first date.", remember that the case I was talking about was living in a commune, where I think that the other members should know. And the specific case (of X) was that we were on the verge of a sexual relationship when I told her about my interest in another commune member. I was trying to avoid exactly what happened later. X - knowing her own jealousy/insecurity - should never have started with me.

I can see women (get involved on a non-sexual basis - "dating" is a fairly foreign concept to me) without bringing up my polyamory. But once it gets to the point of "this is it", I feel that it would be unfair to keep it mum.

And to your point: "I talk in terms of exclusivity, and that I'm not looking for that. For some reason, that word is less threatening and makes the most sense to people just dating." Many women, hearing me say "I'm not looking for exclusivity" would assume (especially coming from a man) that I'm into "casual". I'm not looking for "casual"! I'm looking for depth, and passion, and commitment... just not with only one person.

"The surprising thing is that sometimes the guys I date mention non-monogamy before I do, and they are not part of the poly community." Why "surprising"? Men have been doing this for ages - most mean: "Now don't get serious on me!"
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The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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