WHOLE lotta Lovin’ goin’ on!
Dear AnnabelMore and LovingRadiance,
I've been writing on several threads here recently that jealousy has no place in polyamory... and here you’ve both been getting me jealous! At least it’s not a nasty, stingy jealousy: I'm so happy for you both. You are both so lucky!
Annabel, if you like reading novels, and want to get more input/ideas about co-parenting, let me recommend “Woman On The Edge Of Time” by Marge Piercy. It’s sci-fi utopian, set in the future, and there are clearly some things that we just wouldn’t be able to import into our lives (at this time and in this society), but it has wonderful ideas about interpersonal relationships. It was written in 1976 so it doesn’t use the term “polyamory”. But that’s part of their society as well. This is my favourite book (and favourite author) of the 20th century. (It’s in a 3-way tie with Lewis Carroll’s 2 Alice books for favourite book of all time.)
Although I have no children of my own, children are central and essential in my life. And co-parenting (I've been fairly close to that once, and not-too-distant with another family) is definitely the best! (My absolute ideal would be a commune where every member loved every other sufficiently to consider ourselves “family”.)
I would definitely advise against being nonchalant when you tell Eric how you feel about him. Let him know that that there’s no pressure for him to echo your feelings, but that you want/need to be honest and open with him, and you don’t think it’s healthy to hide that anymore. You write “I've also found that just having talked to Gia about my feelings for Eric has really made it easier to be around the two of them together. It's like some mental pressure was released...” How much more easy is it going to be when tou unburden youself with Eric, too! And please don’t do it with google chat! I don’t know Eric, and you’ll have to make this decision yourself, but my feeling is that it would be better face-to-face.
You wrote: “We haven't been sexual together since she became pregnant, which has been rough, but I can hardly hold it against her, what with fatigue and morning sickness and all that.” If you were fine with this, I might not stick my nose in, but since you wrote that it “has been rough, but I can hardly hold it against her”, I'm going to comment:
Often, when we’re feeling particularly unattractive, we hide ourselves (or the unattractive bits) from all but the most intimate friends. [“Since my long-term boyfriend/husband knows all about my farts, I'm not going to stop sleeping with him when I feel a bout coming on... but I'm not about to embarrass my new lover / endanger our fledgling romance by sleeping with him until I've got over my present flatulence!” ]
Have you seen the bit in the film “Good Will Hunting” where the Robin Williams character says that those farts are precisely one of the things that he misses most about his dead wife?
I read an autobiography in which a bed-ridden man gets embarrassed about the fact that his mother has to clean out his bedpan, and is surprised to hear her singing while she’s doing it.
“Honey,” she tells him, “I'm just so glad that you didn’t die in that car crash that I'm happy to be doing this for you.”
Now, I'm not saying that you should put pressure on Gia to be sexual with you... but maybe you could mention that you’d love her - farts, morning sickness and all.
LovingRadiance asked: “Are you going to get to go to an appointment with Gia so you can hear the heartbeat? That's intriguing too.” And you answered: “I don't have any plans to go to an appointment with Gia, but that's an interesting idea. Maybe I'll bring it up.”
For what it’s worth, it’s possible to hear the baby’s heartbeat without modern technology (and away from curious hospital staff). Midwives carry a wooden tube, but it can be done with the cardboard tube from a toilet-paper (or paper-towel) roll. You put one end to the mother’s belly and your ear to the other end. Very Third World, very intimate, very wonderful. You just have to learn to distinguish the baby’s heartbeat from the mother’s (and all the gurgling and churning...)
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellenceThe person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverbAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais NinI'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.