Thread: Meditation
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Old 02-23-2011, 10:55 AM
yoxi's Avatar
yoxi yoxi is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Dawlish, Devon (soon...)
Posts: 95

Thanks, Charlie (me and River have smoothed over my cracking-up off grid )

The PTSD symptoms I'm dealing with are: hypervigilance, insomnia, inability to concentrate, skin and digestion trouble, mild occasional paranoia (see above, sigh...) and are in a sense very welcome, because they heralded some painful stuff finally surfacing. They're more and more manageable, and the stuff they heralded is becoming more and more pellucid.

My meditation practice for the last 20 years (the "official part" as opposed to the just getting on with it during the day part) has been contemplation of my breathing, cultivation of loving kindness, and a visualisation practice, as the "sitting still with closed eyes" practices, and alongside of all that a lot of walking meditation.

What I've found since last summer is that even if I'm somewhere really safe on my own, sitting still with closed eyes means just listening to an inner voice repeating "this isn't safe! this isn't safe!" - and that's without the panic and lack of concentration issues. Sitting even in a house that I know someone else is in is not a goer.

However, I've discovered over the last few days that instead of "trying to meditate" - you know, that thing I know I can't do - I'm just catching my attention every so often during the day, and welcoming mindfulness or loving kindness as I need it. This is opening something up, which is both painful (which is why my mind wants me to avoid it) and a relief. So in aggregate I'm doing okay, and getting some new confidence in being able to work creatively with my mind in difficult circumstances. Meanwhile, I'm not too bad at apologising :-/
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