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Old 02-23-2011, 07:08 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sohuman View Post
You don't think he should pursue anything now, even if I'm ok with it?
Interesting how you left yourself out of the comment I made. No, no, no, you funny girl. I meant that neither of you should be pursuing anyone else until you fix the broken relationship you have -- unless, of course, you're just addicted to drama and would get a thrill out of bringing a world of hurt down on you both. Your title is accurate -- it would be a train wreck.

Here's a few questions to ask yourself:
Do you honestly think that the smart thing to do is run around and find couples and people to fuck and suck (and possibly fall in love with) while your marriage is broken, with your husband hurt and angry at your betrayal?

Do you think that confessing should just be enough? You've got a lot of work to do to fix the damage left over from lies and cheating.

Do you honestly think your husband's just got to get over it while you go and do whatever you want?

Why do you care more about some swinger who's lusting after you while your husband needs you? While you need to focus on looking inward? You make it all seem kind of amusing, but you're living in a fantasy world.
Marriage is work, relationship are work, and if you don't have a strong, stable foundation in a mutually respectful and loving marriage where you make taking care of each other your first priority, how do you think it's even possible for either of you to start moving outside of the marriage to have multiple relationships?

Where is the respect, not only for your husband and child, but for yourself?

Sure, you might think you can just admit what you did, talk a lot about it, "oh yes, I've done all that personal growth stuff already, la-dee-da," announce that you're now poly and come up with some hypothetical "boundaries" because you've read that that's what poly people do, and then go have lots of extramarital sex -- but what is that all about, really? You've said you want poly, and not swinging. From what you've posted here, you don't really seem ready for everything that poly demands for it to work to everyone's benefit, at least it doesn't seem that way to me. And I'm someone who is fine with casual sex, but I don't see how it will benefit you or your marriage right now.

All of the above said with "tough love," compassion, and the kind of cranky wagging of my finger at you that a 50-year old woman can get away with. People lie and cheat all the time. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it means you've got a lot of self-examining and repairing to do.

You want self-esteem, do esteemable things.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-23-2011 at 06:07 PM.
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