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Old 02-23-2011, 06:36 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I don't think anyone should be pursuing anyone right now personally. It sounds like you have a whole whack of stuff to sort out. Your desire to fuck men you aren't attracted to would be a start... You seem to know why, so why not find better ways to gain self esteem and self worth rather than turning your family life upside down. Do you not owe that to your commitment and to your baby girl, who will eventually follow your lead in how to relate to men?

I get where you are coming from with the kind of poly you have been having. I too have been known to do stuff to raise my self worth in an unhealthy manner. Only to find it was more depleted. To me that wasn't poly because self love is the first thing to me in poly. Be your own primary... not look to others for that...

It doesn't take long on this forum to find threads where I have struggled with casual sex since then. Do a tag search on the topic and you will see in about two seconds my fight with it... I damaged myself by believing that the sex was just fun and meaningless when really I subconsciously took it very seriously. My body took it seriously. You can see in photos from now and then the difference in my confidence and self love... my over all happiness has completely changed.

It was Mono that brought this change about when we first met (my now live in boyfriend). I did the work, and continue to, but he pointed something out to me in myself that I had not known for a long time. This was something that PN (husband) was not aware of and had not noticed or was not telling me... that is that I am worth more to others when I am me first and not a body to fuck.

I gave myself away to men that did not respect me. They used my body as a place to stick their cock and didn't even know the beauty I am inside as a person... they got off and took a bit of my soul every time... until I gave myself away freely and didn't really care that much as long as I got attention and felt falsely beautiful until they orgasmed.

I saw a documentary a couple of weeks ago of a brothel in Nevada. In it the house Madame said at one point that when the girls give a piece of there soul away every time they are with a John they need time to get that back. It's important to know that you give yourself away and that you have to concentrate on getting that back... this is what I feel I have done.

Don't get me wrong, people can and do have sex without all this that I talk about. They are able to be pleased with the experience for themselves and don't do it for self worth. They do it for pleasure...

I take my relationships very slowly now and have sex for the right reasons... When there becomes an obvious reason that it will not work FOR ME in healing my soul, expanding my love for myself and therefore others, I just don't do it. If you read my blog you will see some of this journey. I have found men and women that LOVE me... really LOVE me,,, not just want to get off. I am very fortunate, for sure, but I have worked my ass off to get here. It is possible.

It sounds like your man loves you... he is asking that you stop and look at yourself and your life. Your life with him and in your family... I think you would be wise to do that... Maybe you don't think that you need relationship therapy, but I do think you could use some of your own therapy... to get to the bottom of this trend you seem to be having. it has been going on for a long time... that path is possibly deeply routed by now and a new one needs forging. That could mean some help will be needed.

I wouldn't suggest either of you go out and date/fuck other people for a good while until you both have sorted some stuff out. I would wonder what conchordian hopes to gain by going out and finding women... to get even? To show you what it feels like? To find some comfort from someone else? To prove his manliness? I don't know, but it sounds like he is willing to hold off moving forward in that department until things are better balanced and some deep issues addressed and sorted out... After all that, maybe look at negotiating boundaries and think about trying again... who knows, you might find a lack of interest by then.

Last thing, I had a toddler once. Actually I went through the same shit you are now when my boy was a toddler. It is partly hormonal and a life stage for some women. You are not alone in this. There are others that feel that they have had a kid at their tit (if you breast fed... for me it was 3 years!) for way too long and all anyone sees them as is a mum... no independence or time to be free to come and go like it once was. That really widdles away on self worth. Keeping that in mind and making some plans for your future might help focus you in a different direction so that you can find other ways to gain self worth in your body and mind. Worth a shot I think.

This seems to have gone on longer, so I don't know if this is valid. I would wonder what happened 6 years ago that started this path. Might be worth looking at too.

@conchordian- Note on sarcasm. It really doesn't work in text very well I find. Unless you know people really well that is... (tested and found to be true...the hard way). As you are all new here, perhaps waiting a bit and using other threads like the "how are you" thread in the fireplace forum, to be sarcastic on, might help us get to know you better in this way... right now it just comes off that you are an asshole and something tells me you aren't. thanks
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-23-2011 at 04:28 PM.
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