Originally Posted by conchordian
(In fact I resent the idea that there's anything magical about this "ability" she has to "love" more than one person (more on that later)).
I don't believe that it is a magical ability, I think it's everyone who has the ability, but poly people take the perspective that actually pursuing and exploring other connections does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with an existing relationship.
Originally Posted by conchordian
...using half baked cop-out arguments to justify her past shortcomings, or to try to get what she wants in the future.
BS-ing is what I have only very
recently stopped doing. It has only been a few weeks that I haven't sought to rationalize past or current bad behavior.
Part of my seeking NRE comes from a good place, from a belief that romance (both new and old) and sex with emotional connection can be happy, even divinely fulfilling experiences that our bodies, minds, and very souls
are designed to enjoy. The dark side of my seeking NRE is a significant insecurity about my worth, and desire for constant enthusiastic validation. I have consistently chosen to have affairs with men who were far less empirically attractive than me or quite overweight or older, who I was not attracted to physically at all, in order to create a dynamic where they are in constant disbelief and drooling babbling admiration of me clothed or not. Blown-away verbal confirmation of my physical attractiveness equaled worth as an individual in my mind. Sometimes you just don't get that intensity from someone who's just as attractive as you are.... Looking at and understanding this dynamic as it relates to my marriage is a recent thing for me too. I liked the part of Ethical Slut where they're talking about the fact that people don't actually love each other for their perfect tits or whatever, anything pleasing is a happy icing on the cake & what they love you for is who you are.
Knowing myself a little better - specifically that I will need to create an emotional connection with anyone I am sexually involved with - would have helped me with that swinger situation. However, I looked back at my first message to them and I stated all of that, seriously, it is all laid out in one paragraph of my message... either he skimmed it or did not read it at all, and I don't think she ever read it. Also their original ad didn't say what they were within nonmonogamy. There were mistakes on their end that could have happened even if my husband and I had been poly from the start. Not all of our difficulties encountered with others in these early few weeks of honesty are 100% to do with us, but I see the value in holding off a bit.
I have two quotes from Flight of the Conchords that are relevant (fyi both my husband and I openly identify as bi-conchordians in that we like Bret and Jemaine equally):
Jemaine: I can see why you broke up with her. She was hard work.
Bret: Oh no, she broke up with me.
Jemaine: Yeah, she broke up with me too. That's what I mean, it was hard work staying together with her wanting to break up all the time.
Jemaine: It's just that I think she might be the one.
Bret: What makes you think that?
Jemaine: You just know. When it happens to you, you'll know.
Bret: You said Michelle was the one.
Jemaine: Yeah, she's the one.
Bret: You said Claire was the one.
Jemaine: Yeah, she's another one.
Bret: So you get more than one one?
Jemaine: Some people are lucky. I've had a few ones.
Bret: So how many ones can you have?
Bret: How many have you had?
Jemaine: Three. How many have you had?
Bret: Just one. Just one.