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Old 02-21-2011, 04:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
@GS- After a time, often a couples "fantasy" becomes something that is just not workable because they had a "fantasy idea of what reality is" to begin with that is not reality.
Yea - I think we are saying a similar thing using different terms. The point I'm trying to address is that this language itself carries with it the danger of furthering the stereotype that 3 (or more) way relationships that start with an existing two are almost never workable (successful).
Has that been pretty accurate in the past ? You bet it has !
But WHY ???
Because the people involved had no experience, no guidance and a generally poor understanding of human psychology and sociology. In other words, they had a dream (fantasy) which was NOT UNREALISTIC, but lacked the knowledge and skills to build a finished product. How often do we see this phenomenon all around us. Great idea - poor implementation = failure.

Does this make more sense ? That fact that it turned out "not workable" as you term, had little or nothing to do with the concept and it's validity and everything to do with their ignorance (in the true sense of the word).

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
When the NRE is over, does it not usually follow that when the pieces fall into place the couple comes out together and the unicorn is abandoned?
Yep, this has happened, and can. But emphasizing this as a drawback is really unfair. It's more than just about the NRE, it's about having sufficient time to really see the insides of how the relationship will develop. This isn't unique to Unicornia. it happens in every type of relationship. In fact some might say it's already happened inside the original pairing and therefore the unicorn search ! Something is finally acknowledged as missing. And in some cases the only thing hold the original pairing together is the list of legal entanglements/advantages. The relationship has already shifted - in some cases to a point it would evaporate lacking the binders.
So in some ways the couple has little choice but to "come out together". And the unicorn at this point has likely seen enough that they are quite willing to disentangle themselves from the mess. It's NOT their mess !
And this speaks directly to the ADVANTAGE of of the unicorn. As painful as it is sometimes, making the right choice to walk away is much simpler.

So this separation gets all the press and nobody mentions the beautiful parts that were experienced ! It's like there's this attachment (still) to 'happily everafter or broke'. Nobody focuses on what was learned, all the special times and feelings experienced. All the beauty. Because it didn't last 'forever' ! I call BS on this - sorry. No beautiful sunset lasts forever but that doesn't make it less beautiful.

I say - "forget the whole happily everafter BS. Embrace the moment and what you have in front of you ! Be fully there. Everything and everyone deserves no less. Let go of the 'agenda'.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well, here it is then, the education. I love that. Maybe in five years or less when people come on here saying they want a unicorn, or when I go to my poly meet or meet people on a dating site that say they want a unicorn, they will be looking for what we know of triads that work, rather than the fantasy version that seems to be mainstream poly. never know.
Yes - it COULD be that way couldn't it !
It's as simple as understanding you need to sharpen your people and life skills and that mistakes may be made along the way. Learn together. Forgive & love more.

Don't condemn the model, only the implementation.

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