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Old 02-21-2011, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by detritus View Post
My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.
It's possible that the storm of emotions you're experiencing about your relationship changing might be caused by an attachment to, or need for, thinking that things should always stay the same. Even when the changes are something we want to happen, there's always our cultural and/or familial conditioning that tells us what marriage and relationships should be, how they should go. So, you've got conflicting pictures in your head: what you were raised or conditioned to believe, and what you are now finding exciting and satisfying -- and the two are likely vastly different from each other.

That's okay, the two can co-exist. You just don't have to give credence to the picture that is not aligned with who you are. Know it's there, part of you, but not what you want in your life. Nor do you need to entertain the drama and conflict. People will also often think we should be caught up in a lot of sturm und drang when we have our beliefs and ideals challenged, but if you step back and just observe your thought processes without judging them, you can find a lot of freedom to be more comfortable with who you are, your choices, and how you create the life and relationships you want to feel happy. It's okay to go against the grain! Give yourself permission, that's all.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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