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Old 02-21-2011, 03:12 AM
Inst119 Inst119 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2
Default Don't know what to do w/her

Wondering if anyone has faced something similar; if so, let me know how you fixed it / improved things.

Background:
Probably a bad idea, but started dating my gf after her relationship ended (3 yrs or so), dating long distance w/ the promise to correct that problem (she promised to come here). She told me she was "open minded" when I told her I was bi. Soon I told her about my complicated (relationship of sorts) with my bf. It grew into a relationship, been together 6 yrs now. Been with the girl for 2. About a 6 mo-1 yr, she started having trouble. Yeah, my bf did stupid **** like sending her rude e-mails and ims, and coming over when I was on the phone with her. I would hang up on her to avoid issues with him, but I stopped that long ago. She heard us having sex once when I missed hanging up by mistake and seems traumatized by it. For a long time she cut, but says she doesn't do that now. I've felt a lot of distance between us, by both her emotionalness and her refusal to come here (she says she has anxiety which I have trouble believing; I waited for her to get done with her college degree, and she's still living at home under her parents' thumbs).

She says I don't listen to her problems with this. I was lead to believe she was fine with things, but apparently that was a lie. She says she tried to tolerate it, but I don't see her tolerating anything because she complains about having to share so much. It's in nearly every conversation we have. I have tried to be understanding, but there is only so much I can take. She is always asking me how to deal with it and I don't know what to tell her except to be happy for me. She frustrates me to death and I often take out my anger on her, then she cries and we're back to square one. She started cutting herself sometime during the first year, to "deal with it" when I would leave to be with him or he would come over. She seems believable about the reasons.

He's far worse. He calls her names behind her back, blocked her out of all social networks (I had encouraged them to be friends), and generally has a bad attitude. I don't talk to him about her anymore, not that he was ever reasonable to begin with. He lied and used her, and I seriously believe he likes being the "other woman" but feels like I am going to replace him with her. It's not like that (I require both) but he remains unreasonable. He threatens to leave when she finally moves for good. He encourages me to date other women all the time, offering to get phone numbers for me, but for some reason hates her. An ex-friend of mine recently told her that he planned to do her physical harm when she got here. He denies this and says she betrayed him etc..... I have made time for both, however, with my busy schedule and limited time.

I have a connection with both of them, love both of them. I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I still want to marry her, if the situation permits (he says he'll leave if I do, understandably). He wouldn't stay if he didn't have some level of care for me. (She says he stays because I pay his phone bill and take care of his pets, but eh. I know he cares for me.) I have given up on getting them to get along. I just don't get what I want there. She says she tried, he says she went after something not hers (though she didn't know about him in the beginning, she still stayed).

Last edited by Inst119; 02-21-2011 at 07:32 AM. Reason: added a detail
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