Is this other woman someone you fell in love with due to just knowing her and having social interactions with her, or did you cheat on your wife and have sex with this woman? It is unclear how and when you fell in love, unless I missed something here. Certainly, the circumstances could affect how your wife feels toward the whole thing.
I think it might behoove you to talk with her about it again and ask for specifics: What is she afraid of? What is love to her? Can she ever see new possibilities for growing in love with you? What made her consider meeting the woman in the first place, and then what happened to change her mind?
You can only benefit from getting clarity on everything. Both of you.
Edit: Sorry, I re-read your first post and see that you did cheat. Ah, well, yes, she has to deal with feeling betrayed and you have to deal with being the betrayer. That's probably the place to start in examining what's going on between you. Let go of the other woman for now and look at the cheating. At least, that's my take on it. You need to repair the relationship with your wife before moving forward with anyone else. And you might find that it's only lust with the other woman and not love. Who knows.
Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2011 at 12:53 AM.