Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
As a clarification; to go unicorn-hunting, does a couple need to hold on to each other as primaries no matter what? In other words, is unicorn looking for a couple to have a primary relationship with in for a rude awakening?
Also, maybe this sounds a bit naive and lame (and maybe I am both!), but what about love? Can a woman fall in love with a couple? There are different kinds of love, and maybe falling head over heels for two people who happen to be coupled and looking at the same time is a bit of a far stretch, but maybe falling for the other and being loving friends with the other?
I think there are two confusing "labels" involved here - and ones that get used a lot - not always to our own advantage.
First is "couple".....
Is there REALLY any such thing ?
I ask this with an open mind as someone in a long relationship with the same person. The whole idea that we are so tight and are "labeled" as a "couple" has absolutely overshadowed the potential relationships with both of us. Because people CHOOSE to see us as one unit, they frequently miss the fact that in reality, we are two INDIVIDUALS. In coming into our lives you would be forming (likely) very different bonds with either of us. To me the line is very gray about where you have a relationship with BOTH of us and where you have individual relationships with either of us. Because from experience, there is going to be some of each. We often refer to the 4 relationships that exist in such situations but I wonder how much thought goes into really understanding that rather than just parroting it.
So you ask can you "fall" in love with a couple ? I suppose you can - technically. The particular chemistry that gets developed between you all as a unit is unique in itself, as are the chemistries that develops with the individuals. So I suppose anyone could "fall in love with the structure" as well as the individuals. But somehow I struggle to call that "love" - as much as maybe comfort. Maybe to me "love" is reserved for entities rather than concepts. Falling in love with a concept is something I've seen bring much heartache.
The other term I think that has to be handled carefully is "primary". I think the assignment of primacy is not a fixed thing in many cases. It has to be looked at in the context of a particular element (connection) of a relationship. You might be my primary hiking partner but not my primary reading partner. So who is REALLY primary ? Depends.
In the context that we most often find in the couple/unicorn realm, often the couple is married (legally entangled), has children, financial ties and dependencies etc. For a new person coming in, you don't become a part of this whole web overnight. And maybe you simply shouldn't even desire to ! So I kind of scratch my head when I hear potential unicorns crying about how they can't get all this entanglement ! It's like duhhhhhhhhhh......you get the love, you get (double?) the affection, you may get part of the shelter and other life necessities often at little or no cost to you, you get your freedom to choose how much or how little you want and STILL you don't get what you want ??
Oooooooooooooo-k ! Whatever.
But I can see where a unicorn might choose to say that her/his PRIMARY commitment is to the two individuals as well as the triangle it forms because of the love and respect that exists for them (hopefully). So any outside considerations might have to be filtered through the impact it would have on the existing relationship. But again, that's no different than the filters we have to apply in all poly relationships. It's not unique to the realm of Unicornia.
Ok - sorry for long rambling. But this whole topic has been a sore spot with us for a long time - as it has for countless others. Holding the views we do and having the experience we have, being "invited in" to an existing relationship would be a no-brainer. But because we're a "couple" (at least - maybe a tribe) nobody can seem to see the trees (individuals) for the forest (couple/tribe). They ASSUME it's always an all or nothing package deal. Granted, you'll always have to SHARE, you'll always have to get at least a drop or two of the big picture even if you want only the center. But that, like so many things, is an unfair and unrealistic view. Whenever you engage with another individual you ALWAYS get a little more than what you want from their whole life, whether it's work, family, pets, you name it. Really - it's no different.